Saturday, March 21, 2015

Paddy O'Hirish's Pub

Paddy O'Hirish's Pub is (and always was) the most popular bar in the town of Schenectady, New York.

It wasn't an especially great bar. The drinks were not especially cheap, and the bartenders did not have exceptionally nice breasts. In fact, there was nothing at all remarkable about this bar, other than the fact that nearly every alcohol drinker in town regularly found themselves inside the walls of Paddy O'Hirish's Pub.

The popularity of this particular watering hole seemed to stem almost entirely from the lack of imagination of it's clientele. They had always gone to Paddy O'Hirish's Pub, so why rock the boat.

The popularity also stemmed from a lack of imagination of the local entrepreneurs, who never even attempted to open a competitor bar to Paddy O'Hirish's Pub. They seemed to believe that Paddy O'Hirsh's Pub had cornered the pub market cold, so what was the use?

Further adding to the mystery of Paddy O'Hirish's Pub was the fact that no one peed inside the bar--everyone peed outside in the alley. Paddy O'Hirish's Pub had two restrooms, as mandated by local ordinance and building codes. However, one of the restrooms was inevitably out of order, and the other was so disgusting that only the bravest souls in town would dare even enter. It had, in fact, become something of a local competition as to who could spend the most time in Paddy O'Hirish's Pub's working restroom. The current record holder was Phil, with 11 minutes and some odd seconds (Clive had lost track of the time because he was drunk).

While the idea of both men and women drunkenly relieving themselves in the alley is charming indeed, this practice had led to some rather interesting consequences. So much urine had collected in the ground beneath Paddy O'Hirish's Pub that the foundation of the building had become unstable. The alley was now technically classifiable as both a Class 4 Swamp and a Class 9 Biohazard. The fact that Paddy O'Hirish's Pub was even allowed to continue operating as a business was a testament to the tireless efforts of local officials to keep the bar open to the public, and especially, open to themselves.

Should Paddy O'Hirish's Pub ever close, they told themselves when they looked in the mirror at night, the sense of safety and security held by the public would be irrevocably lost, and it was their responsibility as elected and appointed officials to maintain said sense, regardless of how the National Safety Board might see it. This was their town, and they had the right to run it as they needed to as long as no one was getting hurt. And, with the exception of a few sprained ankles while tripping in pee puddles, no one was at the moment getting hurt.

And thus Paddy O'Hirish's Pub stood the test of time. A beacon to the drunks of Schenectady, New York, and also drunks everywhere. That there is a safe place for you to drink and yell and whatever else you might do. This was your place, believed the proprietor, and here you shall be until you die.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The Most Important Thing to Me in the World

I really bit off more than I can chew with this title. I began typing that sentence with the idea that the most important thing to me in the world would jump into my mind as soon as I typed the period.

It did not.

Instead, I was bombarded with a great number of things that are important to me. My own mental and emotional peace. The woman I love. Good food. Coffee. A story worth telling. The ability to tell that story. The love and admiration of all those around me, as the validation of all the choices I’ve made in my life.

In short, a lot of things are important to me.

Music. That’s important too.

I’ve been doing some soul searching lately. By lately, I’m referring to the last 29 or so years that I’ve been alive. And I’ve finally found what I’m looking for. In finding it, I came to realize that I’ve actually found it several times throughout my life. But I just wasn’t ready to see it.

Ok, this isn’t anything revolutionary, but I want to make movies. Not necessarily feature films. But moving pictures. Skits. Shows. Random things. Focused important things. I have so many ideas in mind that I can barely write them down fast enough.

I realized my dream when I took a step back. One thing that’s nice about getting older is that it’s easier to step back and find the themes in a story. And one of the common themes in my personal story, my inner monologue, is that I constantly come up with ideas for shows. Constantly. And characters. Angles. Editing moves. Stories. Dramatic twists.

And I realized that I do nothing with this wealth of creativity. I write down notes in my phone and move on with my day and die a little inside.

But my personal legend will not go quietly. I have an HD camera in the palm of my hand, wherever I go. I have access to pro-level editing software. I have no excuses.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Booze Tour of Raleigh

It starts in Moore Square at Tir Na Nog.

View Larger Map

It continues east on Hargett St, to luscious Nash Square, where you can get coffee and sit under the trees.

From there we take W Martin to Legends, then up S Harrington to the Flying Saucer.

We then head east on Hillsborough, where we'll cross the train tracks and head north on Glennwood, where we'll soon find wine and cup cakes.

The fun keeps going all the way up Glennwood to Brooklyn Heights and Peace St.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

It *might* be time to delete this blog

Seriously, what's the point? So people know how crazy I was in my early twenties?


My loyal readership of no one. Hey, that's fine. No one needs you anyhow.


Here's a schematic of the Enterprise.

It's nice, isn't it? A shining beacon for a utopian future.

God bless you Captain Picard.

He really is my hero. He embodied everything that a Star Fleet officer is supposed to embody.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I had a point. I'm pretty hungry now. Talk to you later.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


You there. I recognize you. I could spot you anywhere. Yes you. I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to startle you. It’s simply that I know you, and I couldn’t help but get excited.

How do I know you? I can see you. I see the sadness you try to hide. I see your inner light being squashed by bad thoughts and negative feelings. I can see that you’re stuck in a depressing feedback loop.

And I know about the hole. Yes, the one you’ve fallen into and out of your entire life. I know all about it. I have one myself. That’s how I can see yours.

Yes, the hole. The hole in our souls, the space our parents’ love and affection was supposed to fill. That hole. The piece of our hearts that is missing, because it was never formed.

Oh sure, your parents loved you. Mine loved me too. But they didn’t show it. They were over-critical, and made you feel unloved and unappreciated. They quietly disapproved of your choices, only voicing their disapproval with furrowed brows, or a lack of excitement. Or maybe they were just terrible and abusive.

Whatever the case, I know things are not perfect. I can see it in the way your eyes are on the verge of crying, the distinct downturn of the corners of your lips, your hunched and slow moving posture. I know where you are, and where you came from.

And I’m here to help.

I’d like you to take a moment to realize that your parents, those giants of your psyche, are not perfect—no person is. They are flawed people, just like the rest of us. They have their own thoughts and feelings, and those feelings are not always about you. Their anger from work, or traffic, or from their own childhoods, does not necessarily have anything to do with you. So take their criticism with a grain of salt.

And go for a run. Running is incredibly freeing, and it activates the body. An active body leads to a healthier mind—it’s science. So if your thoughts and feelings are out of control, use what you can control: your body. It works both ways.

And talk to someone. Those feelings inside of you are not unique—in fact they are depressingly common. The silver lining is that you can talk to almost anyone, and they will understand what you’ve been through and will perhaps share their own experiences with you. You are not alone. Do not believe that you are alone, because that is a lie. You are not special. You are a sad person who needs to see the light. Do not hide from the light. It will be frightening, terrifying, but the rewards are boundless.

So try. Throw caution to the wind. Dare to do something different. And then do the thing that is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest thing in the world to do:

Be yourself.

There’s only one of you, and goddammit, we need you.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

The fuck you say?

Numbers 6

King James Version (KJV)
And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When either man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite, to separate themselves unto the Lord:
He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried.
All the days of his separation shall he eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk.
All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in the which he separateth himself unto the Lord, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.
All the days that he separateth himself unto the Lord he shall come at no dead body.
He shall not make himself unclean for his father, or for his mother, for his brother, or for his sister, when they die: because the consecration of his God is upon his head.
All the days of his separation he is holy unto the Lord.
And if any man die very suddenly by him, and he hath defiled the head of his consecration; then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day shall he shave it.
10 And on the eighth day he shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:
11 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, and make an atonement for him, for that he sinned by the dead, and shall hallow his head that same day.
12 And he shall consecrate unto the Lord the days of his separation, and shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering: but the days that were before shall be lost, because his separation was defiled.
13 And this is the law of the Nazarite, when the days of his separation are fulfilled: he shall be brought unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:
14 And he shall offer his offering unto the Lord, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings,
15 And a basket of unleavened bread, cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, and wafers of unleavened bread anointed with oil, and their meat offering, and their drink offerings.
16 And the priest shall bring them before the Lord, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering:
17 And he shall offer the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the Lord, with the basket of unleavened bread: the priest shall offer also his meat offering, and his drink offering.
18 And the Nazarite shall shave the head of his separation at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall take the hair of the head of his separation, and put it in the fire which is under the sacrifice of the peace offerings.
19 And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram, and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and shall put them upon the hands of the Nazarite, after the hair of his separation is shaven:
20 And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the Lord: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder: and after that the Nazarite may drink wine.
21 This is the law of the Nazarite who hath vowed, and of his offering unto the Lord for his separation, beside that that his hand shall get: according to the vow which he vowed, so he must do after the law of his separation.
22 And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,
23 Speak unto Aaron and unto his sons, saying, On this wise ye shall bless the children of Israel, saying unto them,
24 The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:
25 The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:
26 The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.
27 And they shall put my name upon the children of Israel, and I will bless them.

Seriously, what the fuck does this mean? I’ve written plenty of random, rambling, kooky shit in my time, but I couldn’t touch this with a ten foot double necked Led Zeppelin guitar.

It’s all about becoming some kind of religious nutjob called a “Nazarite.” The Wikipedia entry tells us that becoming a Nazarite simply requires a verbal declaration. You can just say, “I’m a Nazarite” and congrats, you’re in. You do have to be Jewish though. I think...

*re-reads Wikipedia article*

Yep. Definitely have to be Jewish.

Once you become a Nazarite you can’t drink, cut your hair, or touch dead people. And you have to make burnt offerings to Yahweh all goddamn day long.

Why would anyone do this? I can get on board with the not cutting your hair, because I hate going to the barber. And I don’t love drinking, so I could probably give up alcohol for goodsies.

But you pretty much have to be Jewish. And you have to kill a lot of animals. Baseline, you’ll have to burn a lamb, a ewe, and a ram. As well as a bunch of bread.

My question is, do you really have to burn the stuff? Or are you just cooking it and having it for dinner?

Anyways, once you’re Nazirized1, you can’t touch or be near dead folks. If you do, you have to shave your head and bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest. God knows what he does with them. Probably eats them, right? I mean come on, I think this whole “burnt offering” thing was just a scam run by priests to get a free meal. Greedy pious bastards.

Anyways, now you know what a goddamn Nazarite is. That is all.

1The process of becoming a Nazirite.2


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Hey God, it's me, Michael

Hey God, it’s me, Michael. Why did you kill my grandpa? He was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man in the world. I loved him. But you killed him. Why?

They say it’s part of your plan. What plan is that? The one where you kill harmless sweet old men? I can’t support that.

Some say it was his time. I don’t think he would say that. Why wouldn’t he say that? Oh, because you killed him, God. He doesn’t say anything anymore.

I cried today. A lot. Even more yesterday. What’s up with that, God?

Does this pain make me a better person? Does it build my character? I choose to trade this life lesson in for another moment with my grandpa.

I just want him to know how much I love him. I hope he knew that. I know he knew his children loved him.

I want to spend another moment with him. But I can’t, God, because in your infinite wisdom, you killed him.

Where is the justice in that?

These are hard questions. Hard questions for hard times. And there are no answers for these hard times. I can only endure and hope the sun rises again.

I am in pain. I am grieving. And I will get over it. But I don’t want to get over it. Because this is all I have left of my grandpa.