Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Clean Break

Ha. It is enormously difficult to let you go, but you have left me no choice. I tried for months to earn back the trust I had lost, to show you my love ran deep into the core of my being. And it did... it still does. Because of my love for you, I accepted you treating me poorly. I chalked it up to your anger, your distrust. And partially I was right. But it ran deeper than that. You treated me horribly, and had no regrets about it. I know I could never have treated you that way, even if I was angry, even if you had lost my trust. Which you eventually did. And I still treated you much better than I was treated.

When two people love each other, need each other, and want to be together, they find a way to forgive each other. Even when it is hard to forgive this person who has hurt you, it is still much better than the alternative of being without this person. Even after being hurt by you repeatedly, I still could have found a way to forgive you if I had seen you were truly sorry and were going to make fundamental changes to the way you treated me. But you were not, and could not do those things.

When two people are in a relationship, they make each other feel special. You used to make me feel very special, like I was all that mattered to you in the world. And it was wonderful. From what you tell me, I did not make you feel that way, at least not enough. And I could have tried harder. Once it became clear to me that I needed to try harder, I did. I tried harder than I ever have, took more shit than I deserved, but it was not enough for you. Something had broken, had changed inside you so that I was no longer necessary. You no longer made me feel special. You had no problem grinding my heart into the ground, while I begged and pleaded that you stop. I know now that you would continue to do that.

I miss you. I will always remember our time together. Most of it was awesome, the most awesome part of my life so far. We were planning our wedding. We were looking forward to our life together, talking about houses and kids. Then came the worst period of my life, as we were falling apart. So thanks for the experience, I learned a great deal that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I'm glad I got out now before you really fucked me over, because I felt like that was just over the horizon.

And now I can begin to heal. It will take some time, but with the help of my friends and family I know that I will be a stronger, better person by the end of it.

We tried...just never at the same time. And now the saga is over.

You will always have a place in my heart. Just not the place I wanted you to have. Goodbye Nena.

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