Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Greener Grass

Why do people always want what they can't have? It seems like a recipe for misery for us to take for granted what we've got right in front of us. But it happens every day, and I've seen it personally, from both sides of the fence.

I wanted this girl, you see. She was all I wanted in the world, and I would have done anything for her. But she did not want me. Of course this only led me to work harder for her affections, which became ever more elusive. By the end I was a broken man, and I told her I was finished with her bullshit.

Ah, and then, when she could no longer have me, the change was dramatic. I completely stopped calling her. She started calling me several times a day, wanting to know what I was doing, who I was hanging out with, and if I would be interested in a roll in the hay. I could not help but comply a few times (she is beautiful, after all), but I know that it is not good for my well being in the long run.

So now I am trying to really cut it off. For good. Unfortunately the harder I push her away, the harder she tries to win me back. Steve's advice for me to stay resolved echoes in my head, only to be drowned out by her pleas for my attention. Alas, it is a difficult situation, but I know hers to be worse (what a dreadful experience).

For my long term mental health I know I must Stay Resolved to push her out of my life. But love is a funny thing. It makes you do stupid, self-destructive things, even when your intellect knows better. I guess it's proof that all this "rationality" we humans are supposedly imbued with is a crock. It took months of pain and anguish to cool the flames of my affection enough for me to let her go. But the flame still burns, diminished though it is, and continues to push me in dangerous directions.

I know that there can be no more with this girl, but getting her to see that is quite difficult. Wish me luck.

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