Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Group Therapy: Week 3

I disappointed myself in group today. In fact, it encapsulated my entire being, and the reason why I'm in therapy to begin with.

In my group therapy, the therapist sits in the corner and says very little, while the group members lead the discussion. Since many of us suffer from a discomfort in leading conversation, it can border on awkward silences. But I always have something to say, some response or some nugget about my week. I just never say it.

Ok, not NEVER, but almost never. I say what I'm thinking maybe 5% of the time. Maybe less.

Well, today what was on my mind was my pot smoking. I had stopped for several months, and was loving the way I was feeling, but I got back on the train and, again, disappointed myself. I felt immensely uncomfortable bringing this up because I know that if I am serious about getting better, then I certainly need to quit or curtail this substance use.

I thought it might be better to just sit quietly this week, skate through, and deal with whatever next week. Which was silly, since I'll just have the same thing next week, except it'll be harder to talk about due to my late timing.

Ugh. I'm very frustrated right now. It's so hard to talk about the things in my head, but sometimes it's even harder NOT to talk about them. I will do better. I wish I had someone to talk to right now.

On a more positive note, I have resolved to talk to my parents about being in therapy. Thus far, they do not know I am getting help. I will be seeing them in a week for Thanksgiving, and I'm going to give thanks by telling them how they screwed me up. Should be fun.

Now I'm gonna go for a night run to burn off this frustration. ARGH, stupid therapy, making me face my demons...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Don't do anything unless it's serious and important

This is one of the many wonderful lessons I learned from my parents. That I should only do things that they deemed important and serious, and anything other than that was a waste of time.

Of course they never voiced this opinion explicitly, but it was clear to me through their various actions and attitudes. Aaron, my brother, and I would want to go to the movies on a Friday night. But my parents had no interest in driving us there. Thus we were left to procure our own rides, as Aaron had a knack for doing, or were doomed to sit at home all night, watching TV, or reading a book.

Later on, once I had my driver's license and a car, I found out that my neighbor, who had the same car as I, was selling his car and his 18-inch hot-looking wheels. Like most highschool boys my age, I was enamored with all things automotive, and had decided to buy these wheels for my own car, for the price of $800. This money that I had earned at summer jobs and saving birthday money, I wanted to put into my car to improve its aesthetic appeal. My parents, not surprisingly, were disdainful of this idea. It was a waste of money, you should save that money, etc. And, as usual, I listened to them.

Now, they may have been right--maybe it was a waste of money, just to buy some neat looking wheels for my car, that I should save the money for something else. But dammit, I wanted those wheels. I lusted after them. I looked through car magazines, imagining my car with these new wheels.

But I never got them.

I don't own the car anymore, I sold it years ago. And I still regret not getting those wheels. Those stupid, worthless, waste of money wheels.

And so my parents taught me a lesson. Don't spend your money on fun, silly things. Don't spend your Friday's at the movies socializing.

Don't do anything unless it's serious and important.

And it's a lesson that I'm still trying to forget.