I disappointed myself in group today. In fact, it encapsulated my entire being, and the reason why I'm in therapy to begin with.
In my group therapy, the therapist sits in the corner and says very little, while the group members lead the discussion. Since many of us suffer from a discomfort in leading conversation, it can border on awkward silences. But I always have something to say, some response or some nugget about my week. I just never say it.
Ok, not NEVER, but almost never. I say what I'm thinking maybe 5% of the time. Maybe less.
Well, today what was on my mind was my pot smoking. I had stopped for several months, and was loving the way I was feeling, but I got back on the train and, again, disappointed myself. I felt immensely uncomfortable bringing this up because I know that if I am serious about getting better, then I certainly need to quit or curtail this substance use.
I thought it might be better to just sit quietly this week, skate through, and deal with whatever next week. Which was silly, since I'll just have the same thing next week, except it'll be harder to talk about due to my late timing.
Ugh. I'm very frustrated right now. It's so hard to talk about the things in my head, but sometimes it's even harder NOT to talk about them. I will do better. I wish I had someone to talk to right now.
On a more positive note, I have resolved to talk to my parents about being in therapy. Thus far, they do not know I am getting help. I will be seeing them in a week for Thanksgiving, and I'm going to give thanks by telling them how they screwed me up. Should be fun.
Now I'm gonna go for a night run to burn off this frustration. ARGH, stupid therapy, making me face my demons...