Friday, February 25, 2011

Lots of Scary White People Protest Something


A bunch of white people gathered to protest something or other, I think they want more money or something. They were real angry.

They even yelled at a black guy. It was serious.

"Hey blacky, you don't understand the plight of the fat white man (woman?)"

The white people thought they were like Libyans and Egyptians, protesting for their freedoms.

"Give us the freedom to get more of those things we want!"

It was grand. Somebody made a lot of signs for them, because they were too busy yelling at black people to make their own.

"Hmm, these are vaguely related to what I'm mad about."

The municipalities that employed these white people tried to tell them that there wasn't enough money. "The economy sucks right now," the municipalities said, "and we didn't budget very well. So either start making us more money, or we're gonna have to begin proceedings to have you suspended with pay prior to a hearing in which we will discuss your possible termination and/or layoff, wherein you will collect unemployment."

The white people didn't like what they were hearing.

"Give that thing we want! We earned it! Just look at all of our signs!"


(all images shamelessly lifted from this site)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Special Like a Fox

Hi! How are you? I’m a crazy foo wit ocd and anxiety every time I pee,
I know your mother, we used to play bridge, now she calls me daddy and puts groceries in my fridge.
You like it? You love it? Don’t really matter
Just playin, homie, i’m special and I know it.

Special like a fox. I wonder why I feel so special. I’ve felt special since I was a kid. I was smarter than most of the people around me. Like, I was maybe 5 years old, maybe younger, and I distinctly remember hanging out with this girl in my class after school. We were talking and I managed to talk her into taking her shirt off.

This little 5 year old boy seducing this 5 year old girl. Sounds hot, right? But I went to this devout Christian school, and I got in big trouble. They told my dad when he picked me up, and I got an earful from him. So instead of learning that I was a fucking pimp, I became afraid to approach women sexually.

Bada BING! eat that cheese motha fucka!


Anyways, this school: Trinity Christian School. My parents sent me here, but we weren’t christian. I mean Christian. But the school had great academics, it was way ahead of the public schools. So me and my brother went to this school full of mostly fundamentalist christians. I mean Christians. and, not surprisingly, I too became one. A Christian.

I prayed to god. I mean God. And I asked for his forgiveness for all my sins. I asked Jesus into my heart, for his blood to wash away my sins. We studied the bible. I mean Bible, in class. I learned a lot about Noah, and Moses, and even all the other guys that I forgot about. David, I think. Anyways, they were always talking to god. I mean God, and God would tell them to do this and that, or God would set someone on fire, or protect them from fire, or feed them to lions, or whatever he wanted because he was god. I mean God.

And I accepted these stories. Smart little nerd boy that I was, I had faith. I said OK God, I believe you. Now bring me a new bike. Because that’s the kind of shit you pray for when you’re a kid where no one is dying or something awful.

But then I started thinking. And this is the part where religion falls apart for some people, when they decide to use this squishy thing in their heads. I started thinking, hey, what about my mom. Cuz you see, my mom was from Hong Kong. She was Chinese. And I thought, hey, if you live in china. I mean China, somewhere, what if you never hear about Jesus Christ? What if no missionary group ever finds you, and you live your whole life and die without knowing the word of god. I mean God. ? Does that mean you go to hell?

Because that’s what they teach you in Christian school, that if you sin and don’t ask Jesus to be your savior, you go to hell.

And I was pretty sure Chinese people sinned too, so that would mean they would all go to hell. And if there was some tribe of brown people on some island in the Pacific, who never came into contact with white people, and they never heard about Jesus, much less accepted him as their lord and savior, well, what the fuck happens to them when they die?

They just burn in hell for eternity, for a geographical error?

That’s fucked up.

And then I realized that God was either A.) an asshole or B.) not actually what we read in the bible. I mean Bible.

Christianity kind of fell apart for me after that.

But it was a good run. I’m jealous of religious people. I remember the warm, fuzzy feeling I’d get when I’d pray, cuz I thought some all-powerful superman in the sky was listening and would protect me and gave a shit about me. Because that feeling is important for a kid, and I didn’t get much of it from my actual gods, the people who actually gave me life, who turned me from slime into a human being, my parents.

Fucking assholes.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Man vs. Nature


Wolves usually travel in packs of 6 or 7, but in rural Russia a pack of 400 has been spotted. They have killed dozens of horses, and have elicited the local authorities to post bounties and form hunting teams to combat what some might call a "Beast War."

I'm of the opinion that as humans place greater and greater strain on the surrounding environment, the environment will eventually adapt to fight back. And it won't be pretty. And it looks like the war has begun.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Gonorrhea Bacteria Infected with Human DNA

In a stunning twist of fate, scientists have discoverd that the gonorrhea bacteria is actually infected with a piece of human DNA. This might explain why the bacteria is exclusive to humans, as well as why it's so good at finding me at parties.

And so it seems, gonorrhea was just hanging out, not infecting anyones genitals, until we came along and inserted our filthy genetic code. From that day forth, gonorrhea waged war on our bathing suit areas, to the itchy, burning disappointment of dirty skanks everywhere.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Egypt Ousts Dictator, Installs Military

Egyptians got their wish today, and Mubarak has stepped down. In his place he has left the military to govern the country. I suppose this outcome was unavoidable, but I'm hard pressed to push the "Success!" button yet. Mainly, I'm reminded of this quote by ultra-genius H.L. Mencken:

Off goes the head of the king, and tyranny gives way to freedom. The change seems abysmal. Then, bit by bit, the face of freedom hardens, and by and by it is the old face of tyranny. Then another cycle, and another. But under the play of all these opposites there is something fundamental and permanent — the basic delusion that men may be governed and yet be free.

The Egyptians are playing their part in the never ending cycle, and I hope it works out for them. Their military seems sympathetic to the cause, so perhaps some real solidarity could take hold, and a freer government erected. Only time will tell.

How the people of Egypt execute their revolution will ripple through their society for decades, if not centuries. I wish them the best of luck. They're going to need it.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Kids Fat and/or Dumb? Make them Exercise

Being fat and lazy isn't just bad for your health, it's bad for your brain.

MRIs showed those who exercised experienced increased brain activity in the prefrontal cortex — an area associated with complex thinking, decision making and correct social behavior – and decreased activity in an area of the brain that sits behind it. The shift forward appears consistent with more rapidly developing cognitive skills, Davis said.

And the more they exercised, the better the result. Intelligence scores increased an average 3.8 points in those exercising 40 minutes per day after school for three months with a smaller benefit in those exercising 20 minutes daily...

Similar improvements were seen in math skills; interestingly, no improvements were found in reading skill. Researchers note that improved math achievement was “remarkable” since no math lessons were given and suggests longer intervention could produce even better results.

Children in the exercise program played hard, with running games, hula hoops and jump ropes, raising their heart rates to 79 percent of maximum, which is considered vigorous.
We now have rock hard science showing that physical activity makes children smarter AND healthier, yet our schools insist on teaching them how to sit still for hours at a time.

How did we get so stupid?


Oh yeah...

Let Freedom Ring From Space


The internet situation in Egypt has shown how easily a government can shut off the internet to its people, and has made us consider how dangerous such action could be.

A charity organization has come up with an ingenious plan to prevent this scenario from happening again. They intend to buy a satellite and use it to guarantee internet access to billions of people.

Kosta Grammatis wants to buy a TerreStar-1 communications satellite from TerreStar, which filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2010.

The effort is called Buy This Satellite and it has 3 phases: In phase 1, the group wants to raise US $150,000 in order to finalize a business plan, get legally organized to submit a bid for the satellite, and hire engineers. In phase 2, the group will, among other things, submit an official bid for the satellite, develop an open source modem and acquire an orbital slot. In phase 3, the group will move the satellite to a new orbit over partner countries and roll out service.

The plan would eliminate the fear that a government could deny internet access to its people by controlling the landlines.

I love the concept of orbital open-source internet. And even if this plan doesn't work, the fact that these ideas are floating around gives me a lot of hope for the future of mankind.

This will, of course, give congressmen and professional athletes more opportunities to send nude pictures of themselves to internet floozies, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Get Sleep...or DIE FROM ASS CANCER.

Get a good night's sleep, or die a horrible death.

In a ground-breaking new study published in the Feb. 15, 2011 issue of the journal Cancer, researchers from University Hospitals (UH) Case Medical Center and Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, found that individuals who averaged less than six hours of sleep at night had an almost 50 percent increase in the risk of colorectal adenomas compared with individuals sleeping at least seven hours per night. Adenomas are a precursor to cancer tumors, and left untreated, they can turn malignant.

The next time someone bitches at me for being late to work, I'll just say "WHY DO YOU HATE MY COLON!?!?"

That should shut them up.

US in Iraq: Keeping Watch On Our Oil Through 2012

Like an annoying house guest, the US is hinting that it will stay in Iraq longer than previously predicted.

...in the face of ongoing instability on the ground, officials offered one of the first hints that the American military could stay in Iraq beyond this year. US troops must pull out of Iraq by Dec. 31, 2011 under the current security agreement.

If you are shocked by this, then I have a handful of magic beans you might be interested in.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Egyptian Protests


High-larious.

We'll see though. This could produce a democratic revolution, or anarchy. Depends on who rises from the ashes. And that's assuming the current government doesn't successfully clamp down.

Waiting and seeing...