Monday, May 2, 2011
America Wins the War on Terror
Eat it Bin Laden.
It took 10 years, over a trillion dollars and 46,000 American casualties, but we got you.
You thought that bringing down the Twin Towers and crashing into the Pentagon would send us into a panic. But we refuse to be cowed by some cave-dwelling Saudi aristocrat.
We beefed up the TSA, so every time we boarded a plane, we took off our shoes, we submitted to pat-downs and searches, and we even let ourselves be x-rayed, to show you we weren't afraid.
Even though we already had a Department of Defense, we created a Department of Homeland Security to keep us double-safe from scum like you. We created a color coded terror alert system to make sure we knew exactly how much danger we were in.
We sent flying robots to drop bombs on your caves. We sent tens of thousands of American soldiers to find you in the Afghanistani desert, even though we knew you weren't there.
We sent hundreds of thousands more soldiers to Iraq, because we heard you and Saddam were all buddy buddy, and we weren't going to stand for that.
We sent more robots and planes to Lybia, because that Qadaffi guy is a dick and he totally reminds us of you.
And you thought you were safe. America was in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Lybia, so you hid in Pakistan. But we found you, and sent a squad of our elite warriors to do what we should have done a long time ago.
We gave up our lives, our money, and our civil liberties to catch you, you son of a bitch. And we did it, just like they do in the movies.
We won. We beat you. Got it?