The Michael Casp Experience

Tuesday - 12:18 AM

2011-11-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Hey this is awesome, don’t you think?????

Why yes I certainly do, Michael.

What should we do with it?

Work. Live. Survive.

That’s it? Seriously? Kinda lame dude.

What would you have me do ?

You’re asking me?

Yes you.

Oh. Because I would use it to… *SIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG*

Really?

What.

Were you serious?

Serious about what?

That, thing, that, god nevermind.

Whatever you say.

I’ll fucking kill you.

Really? Be doing me a favor.

Dark dude.

So what if I am?

I didn’t say you are.

You didn’t have to.

Stop that.

Stop what?

You know. The whole Dark Macabre fucking persona.

That’s my personality.

No, that’s what you wish your personality was, but you’re not interesting enough.

Do I need this kind of abuse?

Yes.

Yeah, you’re probably right.

Messed up.

Tell me about it.

-=Binko banko that’s the goddamn end=-

Tree of Life

2011-08-17T15:03:00.001-07:00

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Jammin' at the Farmers Market

2011-06-18T07:57:00.001-07:00

I'm listening to Jay-Z radio as we park outside the Morrisville Farmers Market. Old and young unite on the blacktop, under the cool tents marked with handwritten signs.

An amateur musician plays and sings Beatles songs on his acoustic guitar as we choose cucumbers and corn.

The mood is mellow this Saturday morning. The sun is bright but not yet overbearing. The smiles run rampant through this little paradise.

Hi there

2011-06-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, I didn't have time/energy/motivation to update the site this week. Hey, I just started this new job, and it's a lot of hard work and my brain is tired at the end of the day and they don't have a baller coffee machine like my old job, so when I get home I don't do much writing-wise.

Sue me.

But this will do. I'm loving my new job, even though it's hard work. I'm learning great stuff and actually leave each day with a sense of fulfillment that is simply unbeatable. It's pretty great.

So I'll just make a nice post about me (this is called "the Michael Casp experience" after all) and that'll have to satiate you until I figure out my schedule a little better and start posting regularly again.

I worked from home today, which was stellar. I've got my home office rockin. Look:

Awesome, right? Got my good speakers hooked up so I can blast Daft Punk all day long while I chug through the manuscripts. Got my extra monitor hooked up so I can work faster. Got my coffee. Chair. Wireless mouse. Even a fan to keep me cool.

And so I'm peacin out for the day. Later y'all, catch you on the flip side.

Blog Update

2011-06-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

You faithful readers (all 2 of you) might have noticed that my post production has dropped off in recent days. I have a great excuse: I just started a new job. A more intense job. One that doesn't allow me to blog on the clock.

I will keep making posts, just not as many as I'd like. I'm going to try to keep it daily (ok, near-daily) and try to do as much as I can when I get home from work.

I'll try to have a real post up later today. In the mean time, watch this:

Dr. Kevorkian Dies the Old Fashioned Way

2011-06-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, suicide enthusiast, has died the old fashioned way: a blood clot from his leg broke free and moved into his heart, killing him.

Besides having an awesome name, Dr. Kevorkian was also a pioneer in assisted suicide for at least 130 terminal patients. He went to prison for 8 years for helping very sick people move on.

Goldman Sachs Hires Former US Senator

2011-06-03T06:05:00.000-07:00

Goldman Sachs continues its campaign to control the US government by hiring former governor and US senator Judd Gregg to help them manage and manipulate the law for their benefit.

This position is also likely a "thank you" to Gregg for helping Goldman during his time as a senator.

And no, I don't know how this is legal. But it is. Welcome to America.

Gotta Nuke Something

2011-05-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, the Simpsons. Genius, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in yellow skin.

I was reminded of this clip after hearing a story about Apple, Inc. suing somebody for no good reason. With their army of lawyers, I figure they have to sue something.

And with our gigantic stockpile of nukes, we have to nuke something.

So we should nuke the whales. What have they ever done for us?

Michael Bolton Has The Goods

2011-05-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have a completely new appreciation for Michael Bolton.

Why I'm Exhausted

2011-05-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

I feel like one of those kids who's parents have them doing an extra curricular activity every single day. I have some activity going on nearly every night of the week. Except I'm doing it to myself.

It might not sound like much, but for a guy who usually works then comes home to watch tv and play video games, it's like climbing Kilamanjaro.

I went to the comedy club last night and did more material for the audition. I got a couple laughs. A new joke I added totally failed, but that's why I tried it out.

I picked up some tips from watching the show. Mainly, keep moving from topic to topic. Especially if laughs are petering out. I'll need to keep more material ready, so I can keep moving. I also learned that weed jokes play well at Goodnights.

I also learned to keep the set up short and sweet. I tend to over-do the set up, because I'll tell stories instead of jokes. Even in prose I tend to over-explain, so the editing process is very important for me.

And that's Wednesday. Today I have a vocal lesson. Friday I'm going camping until Monday. Then back to do it all over again.

High Fuel Prices Bring Jobs Back to North America

2011-05-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

A Chinese based popsicle stick company has just moved from Dalain, China to Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada, citing rising oil prices as the reason.

High prices on cargo ship fuel are making ocean freight more expensive, which will bring outsourced manufacturing jobs back to the Americas. So while it stings at the gas pump now, those high prices might lead to a revival of the American manufacturing economy.

As China's economy develops, the advantages of opening factories in China will shrink. Further, China's unbridled economic growth over the last decade has outpaced China's infrastructure, leaving some companies without the electricity they need to conduct business.

If politicians won't limit outsourcing and foreign imports, then it appears other economic forces will.

Well I totally didn't get the job I wanted...

2011-05-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure I'd get the job. I put my chances at 50-50, even after the interview. I'm not sure if they were even that high, and I landed on the crappy side of the odds.

I got really bummed today when I got the news. I haven't felt that depressed since my ex-girlfriend was ruining my life.

There will be other jobs, but this would have been incredible timing if I had gotten the job. My grant funding for my current projects is running out, so my current employer is scrambling to find a way to keep me on temporarily. It sucks.

I've applied to countless other research jobs, without any response whatsoever. Which is demoralizing, since research is just about the only thing I'm qualified.

Looks like it's time to start digging into the paralegal job postings. I could do that, and I've though about law school. So paralegal could be just up my alley while I continue the search for a writing gig. Mainly though, I just don't want to work in a restaurant.

So if you know anyone who needs a smart writer with computer skills and a research background, put in a good word for ole Michael. He'd be in your debt forever.

"Robot, bring me a beer."

2011-05-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

Evidently the secret 5th Law of Robotics states that a robot must bring its master an ice cold brew. All I can say is that IT'S ABOUT TIME. Lazy robots have been goldbricking ever since they were invented. I just hope it isn't a clever ploy to get us drunk while they take over the world.

[via Nerdist]

.mp3s Worth Buying

2011-05-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Great bluegrass from a young and talented band.

"Ain't No Ash Will Burn" - Old Sledge

The Tron Legacy Soundtrack is the best part of the movie. $7.99 on Amazon! I paid 2 extra bucks on iTunes.

Tron Legacy - Daft Punk

Kanye West is douche, but he makes great music

"Power" - Kanye West

The Post-Interview Waiting Game

2011-05-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

I hate waiting like this. At least before the job interview I could prepare, practice, and psych myself up. Now, post-interview, all I can do is wait. I just wish I knew, so I could either be overjoyed, or totally depressed, but right now I'm caught in between and can't stop thinking about it.

I'm driving myself insane.

*deep breath*

Ok, that's a little better. The job is an editorial assistant for an academic editorial firm. They do a lot of back-end work for various academic journals.

I want this job. I feel qualified for this job. It's right in the sweetspot between research (my background experience) and journalism (where I want to end up) so if I got this job, I'd be the happiest camper in the campsite.

But if I don't get this job, I'll probably go back to school, get my journalism degree, then try to work my way into journalism that way.

Right now, I'm just waiting.

Facebook to Go Public

2011-05-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

In what will be the largest IPO in a decade, Facebook is planning to go public.

After LinkedIn's successful IPO this week, Facebook would be crazy not to go public. LinkedIn, if you didn't know, is a completely worthless "career" network, where people make profiles and never get jobs.

Facebook, on the otherhand, connects over half a billion people in an unprecedented and fun way. Hundreds of millions of people log on every single day, making Facebook one of the most valuable websites in history.

I would love to get my hands on some of that Facebook stock.

10 Reasons Why Hiring Michael Casp Would Be The Best Decision You Ever Made

2011-05-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

10. Because you have trouble making good decisions, and Michael Casp can help you with that.

9. Because Michael Casp will work harder for you than anyone ever has, or ever will. He knows this because he can also see into the future.

8. Because Michael Casp is IN IT to WIN IT. And by "IT" he means a paycheck for writing.

7. Because you just read three reasons, and you still want more. Make that four reasons.

6. Because Michael Casp can type quickly, write stories efficiently, and market them appropriately. (hey, they can't all be funny)

5. Because Michael Casp appeals to your target audience of "people slacking off at work to check your website."

4. Because Michael Casp is a trained cognitive neuroscientist, which is just cool right?

3. Because Michael Casp understands that you have a budget, and he will work for less money than his equally talented peers. And it isn't because he's desperate. He just really wants this job, and will do what it takes to get it. I swear, he isn't desperate! Come on, just give me the job, you'll thank me later, I promise, hand to God!

2. Because Michael Casp drinks four cups of coffee per day.

1. Because Michael Casp has been writing for years, and he is really quite good at it.

0. Because Michael Casp will not stop until he has this job.

Yeah, that's eleven reasons, but you're hiring a writer, not a mathematician.

First Stand Up Comedy Audition

2011-05-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

The comic running the show is a black comic who I'd seen at the club before. He seemed like a laid back, fun loving fellow, and he called for the first person to get on the stage.

I wanted to get it over with, so I jumped up first and trotted up to the mic. It started out pretty well, and my first couple of jokes earned some laughs from the other open mikers.

Then I went into my racial material. You see, I have some jokes about blacks, whites, and Chinese people, and rather than tailoring my set to be more racially sensitive (like I said, the guy running the show was black) I just went through it the way I had practiced it. I told the black jokes, and it got QUIET. I laughed at the awkwardness, and I think me laughing at myself might have drawn a couple more chuckles from my peers. But it was uncomfortable.

Then, as I was about to move on to other races, the guy running the show said "That's enough" and that was it.

I fist bumped the other open mikers, and hung out for a while. After watching two other people try out, I'm pretty sure my act was the best. Which is awesome, but I didn't make it to the show, because apparently it takes a few weeks of showing up to make it on.

So I'm going back next week, gonna try out some different material, and we'll see. I'm going to make fun of women next.

This Guy Is Gonna Get Assassinated

2011-05-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman has decided to go after Wall Street, for defrauding America and taking all our money. Unlike federal regulators, who have failed to offer more than a slap on the wrist, Schneiderman is putting the screws to Wall Street using a NY state law, the 1921 Martin Act.

The Martin Act is a more potent version of similar federal laws, and offers the best chance for Schneiderman to seek justice for America. That is why he will get assassinated.

The level of wealth at stake on Wall Street is so vast that assassinating a troublesome public servant is totally in the realm of possibility. And if not real assassination, then at least character assassination.

Here's hoping Schneiderman keeps his nose clean, his head down, and scores one for the good guys.

The Economy: Good for Some, Meh for Most

2011-05-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

The stock market is on the rise, and has been throughout the "recovery." Wealthy shareholders are living in a golden age, while the rest of the country is just holding on.

Let's say that 81.2% of all stock is owned by the top 10% of wealth gatherers. (table 9). Let's say there was 100 shares at $1 each for a total value in stock on 8/31/10 of $100. That $100 became $129.80 by 5/2/11.(S&P closing numbers) But, I'm going to round off all of this to keep it really simple. 100 shares. 80 shares owned by 10 people. 20 shares owned by 90 people. Fast forward 9 months and now the $100 is $120. Still 100 shares. (We're excluding splits, initial offerings and anything else that would increase the number of shares, simple.)

So, 10 people now have a total worth of $96. The 90 people are splitting up $24. Both saw a 20% rise. Hooray! But here's the issue, an additional $1.60 will do a lot more than an additional $0.04. The issue is coin in the pocket. For the middle-class, it's just not happening.

Combine the rise in stock prices with the sharp drops in home prices and high unemployment, and the middle class is struggling to stay afloat. The wealthy continue to benefit from "money printing" from the Fed via their stock portfolios, but the "trickle down" part just isn't happening. The "economic recovery" is but a thin veneer atop a rotting foundation.

In other words, the rich get richer. So much for fresh news.

Science Update

2011-05-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Hot fresh findings in brain science and genetics:

Friday Funny: RALPHIE MAY

2011-05-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

I watched Ralphie May's stand-up show last night at Goodnight's Comedy in Raleigh. And he killed it.

The crowd was pumped to see a comedian of Ralphie's caliber, and he did not disappoint. He performed nearly a two hour set, and it was all gold.

He's performing the rest of the weekend in Raleigh, but shows are selling out fast. Get it while the gettin's good, cuz Ralphie May is one of the best.

Earth Energy Update

2011-05-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

Do you know where YOUR energy comes from?

35.9% from petroleum - big word, means "oil"

27.4% from coal - makes a great Christmas present

22.8% from natural gas - aka "Earth farts"

6.3% from hydroelectric dams - *giggle* ...dam...

5.9% from nuclear - don't call it nuke-you-ler

1.0% from geothermal, solar, wind, and wood and waste combined - the "loser" energies

Source

How to Fight a Big Corporation

2011-05-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Step 1: File a claim, pay the filing fee ($76 in Indiana)
Step 2: Convince company lawyers that settling is cheaper than taking case to court.
Step 3: Profit!

It's just that easy!

Akinyemi took Hewlett Packard to court last year alleging repeated problems with a notebook computer he'd purchased. After several attempts to get the machine fixed or replaced, Akinyemi sued H-P for $1,300, plus $76 in court costs.

In June of last year, H-P agreed to pay Akinyemi $688 to settle the case, according to court documents he provided to msnbc.com. A Hewlett Packard spokesman declined to comment.

The only downside is that as a part of most settlements, Akinyemi must sign a no-future-business contract, which basically says he can no longer do business with the company he just sued.

But it seems well worth it to stick it to the man.

Cable Going Down

2011-05-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

Cable TV is lame and costs too much, so people are dropping it. Cable companies are stunned.

"Cablevision core system ... lost about 8400 video customers. Some of that was attributable to how we came into the year after the dispute that we had with News Corp. and the carriage and the World Series (but) we still continue to see softness in the economy, particularly in lower income neighborhoods," Rutledge said.

The Internet has made Cable TV completely obsolete, they just haven't figured it out yet.

The Benefits of High Speed Rail

2011-05-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

High speed rail sounds great, until you realize that America doesn't have the population density to make it worth the trouble.

The People Who Own the Government

2011-05-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

The following individuals contributed at least $50,000 to federal candidates and parties during one or more election cycles while affiliated with the organization.

Contributor / Organization
Alchin, John R. Comcast Corp
Amstein, Peter Microsoft Corp
Andreas, Dwayne O. & Inez Archer Daniels Midland
Angelakis, Michael J. & Christine Comcast Corp
Appelman, Barry Time Warner
Baker, Charles A. III DLA Piper
Bernstein, Matthew & Barbara DLA Piper
Bible, Geoffrey & Sara Altria Group
Blanchard, James J. & Janet A. DLA Piper
Boggs, Timothy A. Time Warner
Bovin, Denis A. & Terry Bear Stearns
Brendsel, Leland & Diane Freddie Mac
Brennan, Robert E. Credit Suisse Group
Brinson, Gary P. & Suzann A. UBS AG
Broad, Eli & Edythe American International Group
Bronfman, Edgar M. Jr. & Clarissa A. Vivendi
Buchholz, Carl M. & Karen D. Comcast Corp
Burch, Stephen A. & Nora Linstrom Comcast Corp
Burke, Stephen B. & Gretchen H. Comcast Corp
Bushkin, Arthur A. & Kathryn A. Time Warner
Chalsty, John S. & Jennifer A. Credit Suisse Group
Chancellor, Steven E. & Terri L. Lehman Brothers
Chernin, Peter A. & Megan News Corp
Christie, Todd J. & Theresa M. Goldman Sachs
Cohen, Davil L. & Rhonda R. Comcast Corp
Collerton, Anthony Lehman Brothers
Cook, Daniel W. III & Gail B. Goldman Sachs
Corzine, Jon S. & JoAnne D. Goldman Sachs
Daly, Robert A & Carole Bayer Sager Time Warner
Daschle, Thomas A. & Linda H. DLA Piper
Dawkins, Peter M. & Judith W. Citigroup Inc
de la Cruz, Carlos Sr. & Rosa Anheuser-Busch InBev
De Muro, David A. Lehman Brothers
DeVos family Amway/Alticor Inc
Dimon, James & Judith K Citigroup Inc
Ehrlich, Alexander S. & Cheryl UBS AG
Ellis, Steven J. & Amy C. Wachovia Corp
Eychaner, Fred Newsweb Corp
Fife, Eugene V. & Luann L Goldman Sachs
Flatley, Daniel K. Credit Suisse Group
Flom, Jason R. & Wendy K. Time Warner
Fogg, Joseph G. III & Leslie K. Morgan Stanley
Freidman, Stephen & Barbara B. Goldman Sachs
Fuld, Dick & Kathleen Lehman Brothers
Gallo, Gregory M. & Penny H. DLA Piper
Gelb, Richard L. & Phyllis N. Bristol-Myers Squibb
Gianopulos, James N. & Ann T. News Corp
Gilburne, Miles R Time Warner
Glass, David & Ruth Ann Wal-Mart Stores
Godhwani, Anil & Jyoti Time Warner
Goldfarb, Dave & Sharon Lehman Brothers
Gramm, Phil & Wendy L. UBS AG
Grano, Joseph J. Jr. & Kathleen J. UBS AG
Greenberg, Maurice "Hank" American International Group
Grubman, Jack B. & Luann Citigroup Inc
Haskell, John H.F. Jr. UBS AG
Heidorn, George E. Microsoft Corp
Heimbold, Charles A. & Monika A. Bristol-Myers Squibb
Hennessy, John M. & Margarita Credit Suisse Group
Hobbs, Franklin W. & Linda B.R. JPMorgan Chase & Co
Hobbs, Franklin W. & Linda B.R. UBS AG
Hoglund, Forrest E. & Sally Enron Corp
Horn, Alan F. & Cindy H. Time Warner
Howard, John D. & Lorna M. Brett Bear Stearns
Jaech, Jeremy & Linda Microsoft Corp
James, Hamilton E. & Amabel B. Credit Suisse Group
Johns, Paul M. Microsoft Corp
Johnson, Theodore C. & Linda Microsoft Corp
Kamen, Harry P. & Barbara MetLife Inc
Katzenberg, Jeffrey & Marilyn Walt Disney Co
Kies, Kenneth J. & Kathleen PricewaterhouseCoopers
Kimsey, James V. Time Warner
Koch, Charles G. & Elizabeth Buzzi Koch Industries
Koch, David H. & Julia F. Koch Industries
Korn, Douglas R. & Elizabeth Berns Bear Stearns
Korologos, Tom C. & Ann M. DLA Piper
Krueger, Harvey & Constance Lehman Brothers
Lane, L. W. Jr. & Jean Time Warner
Lay, Kenneth L. & Linda P. Enron Corp
Leonsis, Ted J. & Lynn Time Warner
Lerner, Alfred & Norma MBNA Corp
Lessing, Stephan & Sandra Lehman Brothers
Lewis, Drew & Marilyn Union Pacific Corp
Lindner family American Financial Group
Lindner, S. Craig & Frances R. American Financial Group
Liss, Jeffrey F. & Susan DLA Piper
Lorentzen, Ruthann Microsoft Corp
Malcom, Ellen R. EMILY's List
McDonnell, James S. III & Elizabeth H. Boeing Co
Menschel, Robert B. & Joyce F. Goldman Sachs
Merrigan, John A. DLA Piper
Meyer, Ronald M. Vivendi
Miller, Lee I. & Suzanne K. DLA Piper
Moodispaw, Leonard E. & Sandra Northrop Grumman
Mulford, David C. & Jeannie S. Credit Suisse Group
Mullen, Donald R. Jr. & Katarina Bear Stearns
Murdoch, Rupert & Wendi News Corp
Murphy, Philip D. & Tammy S. Goldman Sachs
Neidich, Daniel M. & Brooke G. Goldman Sachs
Olson, Lyndon L. Jr & Kathleen W. Citigroup Inc
Ostin, Morris & Evelyn Time Warner
Overlock, Willard J. & Katherine S. Goldman Sachs
Palmer, John N. & Clementine B. MCI Inc
Parsons, Richard D. & Laura Time Warner
Paul, Laurence E. Credit Suisse Group
Paulson, Henry M. Jr. & Wendy Goldman Sachs
Peacock, David A. Anheuser-Busch InBev
Penner, Gregory B. & Carrie Walton Wal-Mart Stores
Perlman, Stephen G. Microsoft Corp
Phillips, Earl N. Jr. & Sallie B. General Electric
Plaster, Steve R. & Shannon Wachovia Corp
Plumeri, Joseph J. & Nancy W. Citigroup Inc
Raikes, Jeffrey S. & Patricia Microsoft Corp
Rehr, David K. & Ashley National Assn of Broadcasters
Reiner, Robert & Michelle S. Time Warner
Roberts, Brian L. & Aileen K. Comcast Corp
Roberts, Ralph J. & Suzanne F. Comcast Corp
Rose, Matthew K. & Lisa Burlington Northern Santa Fe Corp
Rose, Robert N. & Yvette T. Bear Stearns
Rosenwald, E. John Jr. & Patricia Bear Stearns
Ross, Steven J. & Courtney S. Time Warner
Rothman, Tom & Jessica News Corp
Rubin, Robert E. & Judith O. Citigroup Inc
Rubin, Robert M. & Robin K. W. American International Group
Saban, Haim & Cheryl News Corp
Saban, Haim & Cheryl Saban Capital Group
Sacerdote, Peter M. & Bonnie L Goldman Sachs
Schreyer, William A. & Joan L. Merrill Lynch
Schwartz, Eric S. & Erica Goldman Sachs
Schwartz, Marvin & Donna Lehman Brothers
Semel, Terry & Jane M. Time Warner
Senser, Jerrold K. & Naomi R. New York Life Insurance
Shaw, Gregory L. Microsoft Corp
Shaye, Robert & Eva EMILY's List
Shell, Jeffrey S. & Laura Comcast Corp
Shephard, John E. Jr & Jill Northrop Grumman
Siegel, Herbert J. & Ann L. News Corp
Singer, Paul Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu
Skilling, Jeffrey K. & Susan L. Enron Corp
Smith, Lawrence S. & Christine J. Comcast Corp
Spector, Warren & Margaret Whitton Bear Stearns
Spix, George A. Microsoft Corp
Sternberg, Sy & Laurie New York Life Insurance
Tedrick, Thomas National Rifle Assn
Thain, John A. Goldman Sachs
Van Andel, Jay & Betty Amway/Alticor Inc
Vradenburg, George & Patricia L. Time Warner
Walton, S. Robson & Carolyn F. Wal-Mart Stores
Wasserman, Lew R. & Edith Vivendi
Weinstein, Harvey & Eve Walt Disney Co
Weisel, Thomas W. Bank of America
Wellde, George W Jr. & Patrica A. Goldman Sachs
Wells, Frank G. & Luanne C. Walt Disney Co
Wigmore, Barrie A & Deedee Goldman Sachs
Winkelman, Mark O. & Dorinda P. Goldman Sachs
Witten, Richard E. & Elizabeth H. Goldman Sachs
Wolf, Robert J. & Carol S. UBS AG
Yager, Dexter R. Sr. & Birdie Amway/Alticor Inc
Young, George III & Adina Lehman Brothers

via OpenSecrets.org

My First Album Cover

2011-05-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

Every Meme Ever

Just as soon as I write and record it.

I plan to sing with a new band this Saturday. I found them on Craigslist, and I hope they don't suck.

America Wins the War on Terror

2011-05-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Eat it Bin Laden.

It took 10 years, over a trillion dollars and 46,000 American casualties, but we got you.

You thought that bringing down the Twin Towers and crashing into the Pentagon would send us into a panic. But we refuse to be cowed by some cave-dwelling Saudi aristocrat.

We beefed up the TSA, so every time we boarded a plane, we took off our shoes, we submitted to pat-downs and searches, and we even let ourselves be x-rayed, to show you we weren't afraid.

Even though we already had a Department of Defense, we created a Department of Homeland Security to keep us double-safe from scum like you. We created a color coded terror alert system to make sure we knew exactly how much danger we were in.

We sent flying robots to drop bombs on your caves. We sent tens of thousands of American soldiers to find you in the Afghanistani desert, even though we knew you weren't there.

We sent hundreds of thousands more soldiers to Iraq, because we heard you and Saddam were all buddy buddy, and we weren't going to stand for that.

We sent more robots and planes to Lybia, because that Qadaffi guy is a dick and he totally reminds us of you.

And you thought you were safe. America was in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Lybia, so you hid in Pakistan. But we found you, and sent a squad of our elite warriors to do what we should have done a long time ago.

We gave up our lives, our money, and our civil liberties to catch you, you son of a bitch. And we did it, just like they do in the movies.

We won. We beat you. Got it?

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Jokes (from Twitter)

2011-05-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

The ten best zingers from Twitter:

10. @barefootjim
Well, clearly it takes a Muslim to catch a Muslim.

9. @bobpowers1
"I loosened it." -Bush

8. @JennyJohnsonHi5
OMG!!! DRAW DICKS ON HIS FACE!!! LOL!!!

7. @anthonyjeselnik
You know, I was just starting to like him.

6. @JohnDeVore
Well, the one part of the Federal budget that won't be be cut is the "Motherfucking Night Warriors With Motherfucking Death Hands" part.

5. @kevin_nealon
Throngs of citizens are celebrating outside The White House waiting for Obama and Michelle to kiss on the balcony.

4. @Ralphie May
I just wish they'd not announced his death, but rather made a bunch of "weekend at bernies" videos

3. @DougBenson
Looking forward to Donald Trump's next press conference, when he'll demand to see Osama bin Laden's death certificate. #LongForm

2. @SethMacFarlane
Never celebrate after destroying a small enemy spaceship, ‘cause someone’s about to point off-screen and say “Oh. My. God.”

1. @TheThomason
Obama: "Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?" *Drops mic, walks away.*

Science Tackles the Important Problems

2011-04-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Ever wish you had a robot that could make "that's what she said" jokes?

THEN THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

Chloé Kiddon and Yuriy Brun, a pair of computer scientists at the University of Washington, have finally brought humor into the 21st century by creating a program that can analyze blocks of text for the most inviting places to insert yourself ... in the form of a timely "that's what she said!"

The problem the pair faced was not just teaching the computer to know when it was possible to add a "that's what she said" to the end of a sentence, but also to know when it would actually be funny. To do this, they fed the computer 1.5 million unintentionally naughty sentences, along with examples of plain and unfunny text. Then, to increase the program's understanding of what words make for good euphemisms, the researches applied a "sexiness" function to the raunchiest-sounding nouns and adjectives, with words like "rod," "meat," "hot," and "wet," being given high sexiness functions.

What a glorious time to be alive.

NFL Draft 2011: Tempered Excitement

2011-04-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

It's time to put away the usual nonsense and talk about the really important stuff: the NFL draft.

Now, I'm an NC native with Pittsburgh blood running through my veins, so I had two dogs in last night's fight. (not a Mike Vick joke)

Carolina picked QB Cam Newton with the #1 overall pick. Cam is a physical beast (6'5", 248 lbs, 4.59sec 40yd dash) and seems like a winner and a leader, but I had doubts leading up to the draft. He comes from a spread offense, so the transition to pro-style will be a rough one. And he doesn't seem like the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. But anything would be an upgrade over last year's offense, so I'm staying hopeful that Cam gets it done in both the passing and running game.

Pittsburgh picked up DE Cameron Heyward with the 31st pick. He's a Pittsburgh native, and adds yet another piece to the Steeler's already stacked front-seven. I don't know much about the guy, but he seems like a solid pick, and the Steelers rarely miss in the 1st round. However, this is pretty much the last place they needed to shore up as their run stuffing D-line and Linebacking corps is already the best in the league. I was really hoping they'd pick up a stud CB so that we could stop getting burned by good QBs, but the Steelers seem to hate drafting for need, instead picking the "best available guy." I'm sure he'll be great, but that still leaves a big hole in the secondary, which is one of the worst in the NFL.

The Whole "Birther" Thing

2011-04-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Now that we finally have Obama's birth certificate, Liberals are having a good laugh, and Birthers are still trying to figure out how their pants go on.

The fact that Obama and Hawaii felt the need to release the birth certificate, plus the fact that newspapers are jumping all over this story, is proof that our public discourse, when not directed by corporations, is directed by utter morons.

Congrats America. Pat yourself on the back for me.

Your Regularly Scheduled Dose of Monty Python

2011-04-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't get better than that.

Bio-diesel Steam Engine Promises Renewable Power, Better Steampunk

2011-04-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

It can run on bio-diesel made from old orange peels. It can offer the power of a gas engine without the gas. It's a thousand year old technology that is coming back around. I'm talking about steam engines.

The steam power means this engine's fuel source can vary greatly. All it has to do is burn and heat the steam inside, and you've got power.

The engine takes 15-20 seconds to warm up, and so far they only have one working model. But this looks like the answer to the big energy question: How the hell are we going to power our cars? Ask and ye shall receive.

A Political System that Works...

2011-04-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

...only exists in science fiction.

From Arthur C. Clarke's The Songs of Distant Earth:

The President of Thalassa had been in office for only two months and was still unreconciled to his misfortune. But there was nothing he could do about it, except to make the best of a bad job for the three years it would last. Certainly it was no use demanding a recount; the selection program, which involved the generation and interleaving of thousand-digit random numbers, was the nearest thing to pure chance that human ingenuity could devise.

There were exactly five ways to avoid the danger of being dragged into the Presidential Palace (twenty rooms, one large enough to hold almost a hundred guests). You could be under thirty or over seventy; you could be incurably ill; you could be mentally defective; or you could have committed a grave crime. The only option really open to President Edgar Farradine was the last, and he had given it serious thought.

Yet he had to admit that, despite the personal inconvenience it had caused him, this was probably the best form of government that mankind had ever devised. The mother planet had taken some ten thousand years to perfect it, by trial and often hideous error.

As soon as the entire adult population had been educated to the limits of its intellectual ability (and sometimes, alas, beyond) genuine democracy became possible. The final step required the development of instantaneous personal communications, linked with central computers. According to the historians, the first true democracy on Earth was established in the (Terran) year 2011, in a country called New Zealand.

Thereafter, selecting a head of state was relatively unimportant. Once it was universally accepted that anyone who deliberately aimed at the job should automatically be disqualified, almost any system would serve equally well, and a lottery was the simplest procedure...

Good Friday

2011-04-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

The College Delusion

2011-04-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

I needed to know psychology so I could figure out what was wrong with me. So in college, I majored in psychology. I earned my degree and figured out what was wrong: I was crazy.

This information held little value in my job search. I found a job upon graduation with a professor who's lab I had volunteered in. It payed in the mid $20s, and I didn't complain, because who else would hire a freshly graduated psychology major?

I soon realized that I had no business in academia. The pace of research was too slow, and I grew bored almost immediately. I hated the job. But I stayed in it because who's going to hire a psychology major?

And now, after four years working this dead end job, academia has finally caught up to me: I'm getting laid off. And, like many recent college graduates, I find that my degree is basically worthless in the job market.

Four years, wasted. Thousands of dollars, down the drain. For what? I learned no skills. I made no connections. All I got was a piece of paper that says I attended class long enough to earn this piece of paper.

I am not alone. 45 percent of college graduates from the class of 2009 earned less than $15,000 in 2010.

The economy gets some of the blame. There just aren't many jobs. But when college grads are barely beating the minimum wage, there is a problem.

Been There

2011-04-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

Happy 420 you dirty hippies.

Skynet Approacheth [Robot Apocalypse]

2011-04-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Remember in Terminator when the military built Skynet? Remember how it was a satellite network that controlled all the weapons, and when they turned it on it decided that humans were a threat that needed to be exterminated?

Yeah, I guess no one in Britain saw that movie.

The system allows for communication both in the voice and data variety between basically any unit of the British Armed Forces, including computers talking to computers, probably about how best to murder their makers. For example, a base computer in cheery old London can communicate with the "Reaper," a robotic spy drone in Afghanistan, retrieving data and telling it where to go, and transmitting live video over the connection from the UAV. The sat also has solar sails which extend its life to 15 years, a special anti-jamming antenna is set on the receive side, while 4 steerable antennas can be aimed in a single spot to concentrate broadcasting ability.

What the hell, Britain!? When robots come for you (and they will) you will have only yourselves to blame.

E-books Outsell Paper Books

2011-04-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Trees of the world, rejoice. The dark time is nearly over. No longer will you be cut down for paper. Firewood, maybe. Or toothpicks. Or building materials, probably. But not paper.

This February, US publishers sold more e-books than they did books in any other format, including paperbacks and hardcovers, according to a report from the Association of American Publishers. This marks the first time ever that e-book sales have surpassed those of all other formats.

E-book sales totaled $90.3 million in February, a 202% increase compared to the same month a year earlier.

I have a Kindle and I do like it a lot. But I still like reading and writing on paper from time to time. Nothing can replace jotting down some thoughts on a legal pad.

Barack Obama, Deficit Slayer

2011-04-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Fight onward, brave Sir Obama.

Teen Unemployment is 25% and Rising

2011-04-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

They say the children are our future. If that's the case we're headed for trouble.

Teens typically are the first to be fired and the last to be hired back in a normal economic cycle, so this rate can be considered a kind of leading indicator of employment.

Due to a sinking economy and minimum wage laws, teens are becoming increasingly unemployable. Who wants to pay $7 an hour to train a teenager, when you can hire an experienced adult for the same price?

The minimum wage for young people causes more harm than good. An increasing portion of young people are unable to gain any work experience. They get experience by working unpaid internships. To cover living expenses they burden parents or take on debt.

If this is our future, we should rethink our present.

In the matter of Shotgun v. Rifle

2011-04-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

A band of merry crackheads has kindly volunteered to perform an experiment, re-examining the age old debate of Shotgun v. Rifle.

Phillipe Robinette, 27, of Aquebogue and two other men, one of whom was wielding a .22 caliber rifle, forced their way into the home just before 12:30 p.m. and shot a pit bull. The resident of the home, armed with a shotgun, confronted the trio and shot at Justin Benkov, 25, of Mastic and Fred Flock, 27, of Coram, officials said. Mr. Robinette had already fled the scene...

Mr. Flock was pronounced dead at the scene. Mr. Benkov was taken to Southside Hospital in Bay Shore where he was listed in critical condition.

For those keeping score at home, that's Shotgun - 2, Rifle - 0. Unless you count shooting the dog, for which I'll conced a half a point.

In this case of home defense, the shotgun succeeds with flying colors. Which isn't surprising since it's almost impossible to miss with a shotgun, making it ideal for civilian home defense against cracked up morons.

Suburban Sunset

2011-04-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

I took a picture today. It was sunset, almost twilight. I saw the sun on the horizon and thought of the frontier. Out west. But I was in the suburbs. The sun was setting over a construction site where they were putting in a new Target. The wild west of low prices. And I hate Target. They never have what I need. Target is like Walmart’s useless sister. Probably don’t even sell guns. Or targets.

Race. I thought we were past that. I’m fine with other races, right? Are you? Even if you aren’t, you won’t admit it in polite company. Our parents war is over. Long live equality. I voted for Obama. Even though I hate Democrat policy. I voted for him, just so we could get over the race thing. Black president. Equal.

What’s the ratio of white racists vs black racists? I’d guess about the same. Change takes time.

That’s what’s great about America. We do diversity well. And that’s why America is the greatest country in the world. Or it was. For a while there. But I wasn’t alive then. Maybe it was crappier back then, and they just didn’t know it. Now we have the internet. We know which corrupt congressman is blowing who in what truckstop bathroom. And we know how all the banks and corporations are robbing us, while the government looks the other way.

But we have a new Target. I guess that’s something.

Dating Meets the Free Market

2011-04-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Paying for dates with beautiful people. Is it a new form of prostitution? Or just formalizing a common practice?

I'd hate to see the bargain bin.

This Looks Fun

2011-04-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Don't Get Mad

2011-04-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

Remember when we bailed out the banks to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars? Well don't get mad, but the bail out records have been released and it's even worse than we thought.

Not only was the Fed handing out money to banks who didn't deserve it, but it even handed hundreds of millions to individual people who didn't need it. They didn't need it because they were *wait for it* already super wealthy.

...with an upfront investment of $15 million, they quickly received $220 million in cash from the Fed, most of which they used to purchase student loans and commercial mortgages. The loans were set up so that Christy and Susan would keep 100 percent of any gains on the deals, while the Fed and the Treasury (read: the taxpayer) would eat 90 percent of the losses. Given out as part of a bailout program ostensibly designed to help ordinary people by kick-starting consumer lending, the deals were a classic heads-I-win, tails-you-lose investment.

If you have connections, the government will give you free money. We need to do something about that.

Chainsaw Fight

2011-04-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

Some ask why. I ask why not.

Culture Reaches a New Low

2011-04-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

One genius company has leapfrogged ahead of our cultural trainwreck to produce the Miley Cyrus sex doll. Words fail.

Plus this:

As if the Jersey Shore wasn't brutal enough, MTV plans to produce TWO Jersey Shore spinoffs. One will following Snooki and JWoww as they live their hopefully short lives, and the other will follow future musical icon Paully D as he works on his career as a DJ.

---------

We had a good run folks, but humanity has run it's course. The devastating earthquakes around the world are just the Earth attempting to shake us off, to free up space for more deserving animals.

When they tell the story of my life, I want them to play this song

2011-04-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

The song "Ashokan Farewell," well known from its appearance in every Civil War documentary and period piece, is just plain beautiful. It adds a gravitas, a sadness, and a strength to no matter what it's played underneath.

It is also yet another reason I wish I played the violin.

Yee-Haw! News Round Up

2011-04-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

Senate defeats Rand Paul’s resolution reasserting Congress’s war powers

Forbes names Freddie Mac the least reputable company in the nation.

Researchers use MRI to predict which adults will develop Alzheimer's

What Comes First: Depression In Teens Or Emo Music?

The Cave Man

2011-04-05T11:31:00.001-07:00

A cave man wakes up to the sound of his dog barking. The dog looks almost exactly like a wolf, but a skinny one, his ribs are showing. The cave man is equally skinny. They haven’t eaten much lately.

They walk down to a nearby stream. The cave man crouches down to take a drink of the cool water, as the dog laps up water as well. The dog suddenly stops drinking as his ears perk up. He looks across the water to see a group other cave men huddled together, talking and laughing. The cave man sees it too.

The cave man and the dog find a narrow spot in the stream to cross. They approach the group of cave men. They look strong, robust, and well fed, in contrast to our cave man. As the cave man and his dog approach, they see what the hubbub is about - a fresh kill. The group of cave men are tearing off bits of raw flesh from what remains of an antelope, and eating them. The cave man’s mouth waters, as does the dog’s.

The cave man tries to join the group, but before he can get close to the carcass, he is pushed away by the stronger cave men. He tries to reason with them, but they are not concerned with him. He walks away, with his dog, dejected.

The cave man walks into a nearby field. He starts to pick small bits of grain from the tops of the tall grasses. He eats them, but they are not very satisfying. He goes to a tree, and sees a small piece of fruit hanging from a branch. He cannot reach it, so he climbs the tree. He reaches the fruit, picks it, but it looks rotten. He takes a bite, but spits it out. He throws the fruit to his dog, who sniffs it, but won’t eat it either.

As the sun begins to set, the cave man and his dog head back to their cave. As they walk through the grain field again, they are beset upon by a pack of wolves. The cave man is unarmed. His dog growls at the wolf pack, and looks ready to pounce. The wolves get intimidated, and decide it’s not worth it, and they back off. The cave man pets the dog as the wolves run off.

They spot the cave. Before they reach the entrance, a rabbit darts across their path. The dog sees it and takes off after it, into the brush. The cave man hopes he will bring the rabbit back with him. The cave man takes another drink of water from the stream, then walks back to his cave as the stars come out.

The cave man wakes up, later in the day this time, with no dog to wake him up. He looks around but the dog is definitely gone. He walks out to the stream for a drink. As he drinks, he looks up to see the group of well fed cave men holding their spears, getting ready to go hunting.

The cave man needs a spear, so that maybe the group will let him hunt with them. So today, while he gathers grain and fruit, he is also looking for sticks to make a spear. He finds some suitable candidates and walks back to his cave as the sun sets. When he is almost back to his cave, he runs into the wolf pack again. He runs into the cave, and turns to defend himself, swinging the spears-to-be like a long club. He smacks a couple of the wolves in the face, and manages to fend them off for the time being. But he is scared they will come back, and stands guard at the mouth of the cave through the night.

The next morning, he wakes up. He is still sitting at the mouth of the cave. He had fallen asleep some time during the night while watching for wolves. He gets up to go to the stream, taking the largest stick with him. He has a drink, then goes straight to spear-making.

The cave man sits on an old, dry, fallen tree trunk. He puts one end of the stick in a notch on the tree trunk, and starts working on the other end. He is stripping the bark and sharpening the end, twisting and turning the stick as he works. As the sun rises to the apex, he smells something. Something burning. He recognizes the smell from a storm once, when lightning had struck and started a fire. The smell is coming from nearby. He looks around, twisting the spear as he looks, and he sees a tiny wisp of smoke coming from the end of the spear that is stuck in the tree trunk notch. He twists the spear again. More smoke. He yells in surprise.

He forgets about making the spear, and focuses solely on making more smoke. He sees that small bits of bark and leaves near the wood contact point are getting singed. He gathers more leaves and twigs to put at the spot. He keeps rubbing and rubbing the stick on the trunk. More and more smoke, until, finally, the pile of leaves and twigs ignites. FIRE. He jumps up, whooping and dancing, as the sun goes down. He sees that the fire is quickly consuming his pile of leaves and twigs, and makes a mad dash to find more twigs and leaves for the fire. He builds and builds it until it is big and roaring, and starts to even burn the large tree trunk. He dances around the fire, whooping and hollering into the night.

The cave man realizes he is very thirsty, and walks down to the stream for a drink. Down there, in the moonlight, he sees the group of cave men returning from the hunt. They are carrying an animal carcass with them. This is his opportunity.

He builds a makeshift torch from one of his old spears-to-be, and walks over to the group, who are huddled around the carcass, tearing off chunks and eating them. As the cave man approaches with his lit torch, a few of the hunters take notice. They have never seen a man with fire before. By the time he is close to the hunters, they are all staring at him. The cave man points to his torch, then points to the carcass, gesturing for a trade. The hunters look at each other, then one stands up and walks toward the cave man. He tries to take the torch from the cave man, but the cave man waves the torch in the hunter’s face, frightening the hunter. The cave man again gestures to his torch, then the carcass. One of the hunters tears off a small hunk and throws it at the cave man’s feet. The cave man looks at the piece, then gestures for more. The hunters pause, then throw him another hunk, bigger this time. The cave man, pleased, throws the torch at the hunters, grabs his meat, and runs off into the darkness, back to his fire.

The cave man sets one of the pieces of meat next to his roaring blaze, while he eats the other one. It is delicious, and the first meat he has had in a long time. As he finishes eating the piece, he smells something even more delicious. He looks down and sees that the fire has singed the other piece of meat, partially cooking it. He sniffs it again, the scent is wonderful, and he nibbles at it. The taste is incredible. He takes another bite, then hears a rustling in the brush nearby. He jumps up, believing the wolves have returned. He grabs a large stick that is half on fire, ready to defend himself, but then out of the brush emerges his dog. He has been attracted by the scent of cooking meat, and has returned. The cave man sets down his fire stick and pets the dog, then gives him a piece of the meat. The dog is in heaven. The cave man is overjoyed that his friend has returned.

They walk back to the cave, the man with a torch in one hand and a bundle of sticks under his other arm. He builds a fire at the mouth of the cave to ward off the wolves, then curls up on his bedding next to his dog, and goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

The Social Network: A Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin

2011-03-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

Aaron Sorkin is a god. I promise to pray to him every day. The Social Network is an delicately crafted masterpiece, with a ton of story, told efficiently and entertainingly. I don’t know much about screenwriting, but I know how good Sorkin is.

The script just MOVES. Every scene, every word, pushes the story forward. Pushes the character development forward. It’s a roller coaster ride without a single explosion, without a single gun. It’s based on a fascinating story, which Sorkin pushes up a notch. Like any great screenwriter, he finds those. Little. Moments. in the life of Mark Zuckerberg, and plays them masterfully.

No scene is exposition, save a few seconds in the law office, but even those add a new dimension to the relationships Mark has with his former business partners.

But the interesting thing I noticed while reading the script was how little Zuckerberg actually did. Sure he came up with the idea, but the movie really wasn’t about his personal journey. The journey, instead, happened TO him, and while the other characters went through ups and downs, Zuckerberg was almost untouched. He was always above, or outside the struggles.

Sorkin writes him as the outsider, the loner, and the only time he has any real emotional connection is in the very first, and very last scene, with the girl from B.U. She, and what she represents, is the only thing that matters to Zuckerberg. He doesn’t care about money. He doesn’t care about making friends. He just wants prestige, to be the biggest, the hottest, the most desireable, yet even when he reaches the pinnacle, he’s still unsatisfied. The wound from the very first scene is still there. Still real.

The final line, “You’re not an asshole, Mark. You just want to be,” is the premise of the whole movie. He goes from wanting to be in the Harvard final clubs, to wanting to piss off his ex, to wanting to move and shake in Silicon Valley with actual asshole Sean Parker. Exclusivity is king, for Zuckerberg. He wants people to want him so he can tell them no, or at least hold their entrance in his hands. Even Facebook’s original programming only allowed people with Harvard email addresses in. Zuckerberg wants that social power, because he is really powerless.

In the end, he does reach the top, but he is all alone. People who’s respect he wanted don’t want him, they just want his money. The only friend he had he excluded, and now that friend just wants money.

He realizes everything he ever thought he wanted, he got, in a distorted Twilight Zone form. The vision he’s been following was a mirage. You can’t brute force acceptance. And all he wants, what he’s always wanted, is to be accepted.

And in the final seconds of the final scene, all he wants is that girl from B.U. to accept his friend request.

Female Paramilitary Group Thwarted

2011-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

An all-female paramilitary group calling themselves "The Girl Scouts of America" were thwarted last Thursday in a plot to sell over-priced cookies to a neighborhood of mentally challenged adults.

Authorities received an anonymous tip from a concerned neighbor who noticed a commotion outside.

Despite being warned to cease and desist, the all-girl militia continued to distribute the cookies to their co-conspirators in the neighborhood, causing numerous traffic delays, as well as inadvertently inciting dogs to bark at the passers-by.

The homegrown lady-terrorists had vowed to continue selling the cookies in disregard of the law, until a local religious leader, in an effort to keep the peace, bought their last 36 boxes.

The remaining boxes were mainly Trefoils, since no one likes those anyways.

The Chocolate War

2011-03-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

The Ivory Coast produces one-half of the world's supply of cocoa.

Also, nearly a million people have fled their homes in Abidjan, Ivory Coast's main city.

I'm not sure which upsets me more: The fact that the president of Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, is killing his own citizens in an effort to stay in power power after losing the election, or that my candy bars will soon cost a few cents more thanks to disruptions in the cocoa trade.

No, I lied. I'm way more upset about the chocolate thing. So why is the UN fooling around in Libya?

Libya only produces 2% of the world's oil supply. Ivory Coast supplies half of the world's cocoa.

Clearly we need to get our priorities straight.

1920s Mug Shots and How Society is Falling Apart

2011-03-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

Some wonderful nerdling has collected a series of mugshots taken in the 1920s. They are beautiful.

The first thing I noticed was that all the criminals were wearing three-piece suits.

My gods, I couldn't believe it. Today, we're lucky if our criminals are wearing a shirt. But back then they were wearing SUITS! And I don't even own a suit.

A depression-era petty thug could easily out-fashion me.

What the hell is happening to society? We used to have values and social mores. Sure we also beat our women and subjugated our black people, but somewhere along the way to suffrage and civil rights we went too far. We threw out the baby with the bathwater.

Somewhere along the way, we threw out shame.

Now everyone is happy to wear ripped jeans sagging to mid-thigh, with a white tank top and a gold chain. Or a dirty old t-shirt and a sweat-stained NASCAR hat.

What the hell happened guys? We've let society down. We pretend like appearances don't matter, like wearing sweatpants is no different from wearing a sport coat. A culture that let's anything slide will soon slide itself.

I guarantee that if every man woke up tomorrow, put on his best suit, and went to work, that this country would change quickly and drastically for the better.

When you wear a suit (or so I'm told by those who own them) you feel stronger, and better about yourself. You feel confident. People treat you better. And the simple act of putting together a nice outfit is bound to make one feel better about themselves.

In a nation ravaged with mental disease, we need all the confidence boosts we can get. I know I'm projecting here, but I also know I'm right.

Don't be outdone by a criminal in the 1920s.

I Am Afraid Of This Japanese Robot

2011-03-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

She looks real. For a second I thought it was an actress pretending to be a robot. But it's a robot, buddy.

She adds a new dimension to the Uncanny Valley, one where you literally cannot tell whether the being is human or not, but once you find out it's a robot, you become immediately terrified.

She's kind of cute though.

Beach Day

2011-03-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hot sun, cool breeze,

picking sand and shells out of your knees,

the whoosh of waves washing more of it ashore

and the delighted squeals of children who haven't seen it all before.

The sweat begins to glisten,

and I begin to listen

to the whoosh of waves crashing on the shore.

The cooling breeze blows,

the gulls call

and the smell of salt soothes the soul.

While wispy clouds look down,

smiling as they shield the sun

for but a moment, then they move on.

The sweat collects in the creases of my skin

I wipe it off for it to come again.

Peace reigns supreme to my left and to my right

on and on into a starry night.

Bears to Replace Devin Hester with a Bale of Hay

2011-03-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

In response to rule changes by the NFL's Competition Committee, kick return specialist Devin Hester has announced his retirement from football in order to follow his dream as an Olympic sprinter.

The Chicago Bears thanked Hester for his record 14 career kick returns for touchdowns, and wished him luck in the next phase of his career. Despite losing their future hall of fame kick returner, sources inside the Bears organization have confirmed that Hester will be replaced by a large bale of hay.

According to one NFL scout, "The bale of hay had a great team workout yesterday. Going into the combine I thought he'd be more of a blocking-type player, but after these rule changes, I think he'll fit in perfectly as the Bears' new return man."

Many teams were initially disappointed with the bale of hay's lackluster time in the 40 yard dash, but his never-blink attitude really impressed the scouts. "He has all the intangibles," noted Bears GM Jerry Angelo, "and his ability to stand firm with tacklers bearing down on him is why we plan to pick him up in the first round of the draft."

Despite the Bears' interest, draft guru Mel Kiper, Jr. has been skeptical of the bale of hay's skill set. "His hands leave something to be desired. He may have gotten by playing Division II ball, but he'll need some serious one-on-one coaching to succeed at the next level. In my opinion, he's a late second-rounder at best."

Despite the bale of hay's questionable catching ability, most scouts agree that he has a bright future in the NFL. "Sure he has a few flaws, but what he lacks in explosiveness he more than makes up for with discipline, work ethic, and toughness."

Hester had only good things to say about his replacement. "He's a player's player. He's not a big talker, but he leads by example. He leaves it all out there on the field."

When reached for comment, Tim Condon, the bale of hay's agent, said, "Any teams looking to draft the bale of hay should know that his offseason barn workouts are going great. If the horses don't eat him, he'll be more than ready come draft day."

Condon also represents hay's cousin, bale of pine straw, a left guard from Michigan State.

UN Passes No-Fly Resolution over Libya

2011-03-19T08:46:00.001-07:00

War for the Middle East

2011-03-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Links from around the Middle East.

Opposition Activists Detained In Bahrain, Group Says
Bahrain has imposed a three-month emergency rule that gives the military wide powers to battle the pro-democracy uprising that began in mid-February in the strategic nation, which hosts the U.S. Navy's 5th Fleet.

U.S. Seeks Range of Strikes on Libya at U.N.
"The U.S. doesn't want a war," an Obama administration official said. "But we want to prevent a slaughter."

''Dozens injured'' in renewed Yemen protests
Activists in the southern city of Taiz said police opened fire on pro-democracy protesters on Thursday, leaving many wounded.

Remember, this is where our oil comes from:

Those Were the Days...

2011-03-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

If boxing still had guys who looked like this, I'd totally watch it.

Blogger Must Pay $60K for Telling the Truth

2011-03-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

Journalists can now be sued for the consequences of truthful reporting.

A Minnesota jury decided a blogger must pay $60,000 in damages to a former University of Minnesota employee who was fired after the blogger's posts exposed the former employee's alleged involvement in a mortgage fraud.

The Star Tribune reports the blogger owes the former employee $35,000 in lost wages and $25,000 in emotional distress. The former employee — who was hired by the university to study mortgage foreclosures — sued the blogger after he accused the man of being involved in a "high-profile fraudulent mortgage."

When the man sued — not for libel, apparently because the blogger had documentation for the accusation — the judge threw out many of his complaints, but ruled he could sue the blogger for "tortious interference" with the man's employment for creating, as the former employee's lawyer described it, a "defamation zone" for commenters to call for the man's firing.

Unbelievable.

In other news, Richard Nixon sues Woodward and Bernstein for forcing him to resign.

Silly Citizen, Fraud is for Banks

2011-03-11T07:49:00.000-08:00

A California couple, who defrauded 8 banks out of $130 million, were arrested yesterday and charged with nine counts of fraud.

They are accused of borrowing by exaggerating the company's in-transit inventory and doctoring invoices to support the exaggerated numbers. The Fus are believed to have filed false reports from June 2008 to March 2009 and the fraud continue till August that year, according to Bloomberg.

The couple were indicted on nine counts of bank fraud by a federal grand jury and each charge carries a maximum 30-year sentence in federal prison.

When banks defraud the American public, they get billions in bailout dollars. When Americans try to defraud the banks, they get arrested and sent to prison.

Remember: you are a serf, and the bank is your master.

Boys Need Emotional Support Too

2011-03-08T12:47:00.000-08:00

Boys are supposed to be the "tougher" of the sexes, but new research shows that they have emotional vulnerabilities as children that, when not addressed, can lead to anxiety, withdrawal, and behavior problems

When children reached 39 months, parents answered questionnaires about their child’s current behavior problems.

Moms and dads who were apt to punish their kids for their fears and frustrations were more likely to have children who were anxious and withdrawn at the time of the second assessment. And the effect was especially pronounced for boys who had been identified as having a high incidence of negative emotions at 33 months, she said.

“When parents punish their toddlers for becoming angry or scared, children learn to hide their emotions instead of showing them. These children may become increasingly anxious when they have these feelings because they know they’ll face negative consequences,” Engle said.

Children learn how to regulate and express their emotions through parental guidance. If that guidance consists of punishment or being told to "shut up," the child may experience difficulty in emotional development, which can lead to problems with anxiety and depression down the road.

In a society where mental health problems are prevalent, it is good to know that we are figuring out ways to not screw up our kids.

Sometimes a little guidance goes a long way.

I Truly Hate Drinking

2011-03-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

I took my girl out last night to celebrate her getting a new job. We went to a fancy beer bar, had some drinks and some food. It was fun.

I drank a glass of cabernet and two 9.4% IPAs (Founders Double Trouble - two word review: flavor explosion). It tasted good going down. Well, the cabernet was cheap so it was only ok, but the beer was good.

Then we left. You know that feeling you get when you're in the car leaving the bar and you can feel the sickness coming on? I had that. I didn't puke, but I definitely felt shitty.

I got home and all I could do is curl up on the bed and try to go to sleep.

I really don't get how some people drink all the time. It's literally poison, and it makes you feel like shit.

I went to bed at 10pm.

I woke up at 1:15am in pain, punishment for drinking the nasty stuff. Couldn't get back to sleep for hours.

Man, I really hate drinking.

Lots of Scary White People Protest Something

2011-02-25T08:54:00.000-08:00

A bunch of white people gathered to protest something or other, I think they want more money or something. They were real angry.

They even yelled at a black guy. It was serious.

"Hey blacky, you don't understand the plight of the fat white man (woman?)"

The white people thought they were like Libyans and Egyptians, protesting for their freedoms.

"Give us the freedom to get more of those things we want!"

It was grand. Somebody made a lot of signs for them, because they were too busy yelling at black people to make their own.

"Hmm, these are vaguely related to what I'm mad about."

The municipalities that employed these white people tried to tell them that there wasn't enough money. "The economy sucks right now," the municipalities said, "and we didn't budget very well. So either start making us more money, or we're gonna have to begin proceedings to have you suspended with pay prior to a hearing in which we will discuss your possible termination and/or layoff, wherein you will collect unemployment."

The white people didn't like what they were hearing.

"Give that thing we want! We earned it! Just look at all of our signs!"

(all images shamelessly lifted from this site)

Special Like a Fox

2011-02-23T17:21:00.000-08:00

Hi! How are you? I’m a crazy foo wit ocd and anxiety every time I pee,
I know your mother, we used to play bridge, now she calls me daddy and puts groceries in my fridge.
You like it? You love it? Don’t really matter
Just playin, homie, i’m special and I know it.

Special like a fox. I wonder why I feel so special. I’ve felt special since I was a kid. I was smarter than most of the people around me. Like, I was maybe 5 years old, maybe younger, and I distinctly remember hanging out with this girl in my class after school. We were talking and I managed to talk her into taking her shirt off.

This little 5 year old boy seducing this 5 year old girl. Sounds hot, right? But I went to this devout Christian school, and I got in big trouble. They told my dad when he picked me up, and I got an earful from him. So instead of learning that I was a fucking pimp, I became afraid to approach women sexually.

Bada BING! eat that cheese motha fucka!

Anyways, this school: Trinity Christian School. My parents sent me here, but we weren’t christian. I mean Christian. But the school had great academics, it was way ahead of the public schools. So me and my brother went to this school full of mostly fundamentalist christians. I mean Christians. and, not surprisingly, I too became one. A Christian.

I prayed to god. I mean God. And I asked for his forgiveness for all my sins. I asked Jesus into my heart, for his blood to wash away my sins. We studied the bible. I mean Bible, in class. I learned a lot about Noah, and Moses, and even all the other guys that I forgot about. David, I think. Anyways, they were always talking to god. I mean God, and God would tell them to do this and that, or God would set someone on fire, or protect them from fire, or feed them to lions, or whatever he wanted because he was god. I mean God.

And I accepted these stories. Smart little nerd boy that I was, I had faith. I said OK God, I believe you. Now bring me a new bike. Because that’s the kind of shit you pray for when you’re a kid where no one is dying or something awful.

But then I started thinking. And this is the part where religion falls apart for some people, when they decide to use this squishy thing in their heads. I started thinking, hey, what about my mom. Cuz you see, my mom was from Hong Kong. She was Chinese. And I thought, hey, if you live in china. I mean China, somewhere, what if you never hear about Jesus Christ? What if no missionary group ever finds you, and you live your whole life and die without knowing the word of god. I mean God. ? Does that mean you go to hell?

Because that’s what they teach you in Christian school, that if you sin and don’t ask Jesus to be your savior, you go to hell.

And I was pretty sure Chinese people sinned too, so that would mean they would all go to hell. And if there was some tribe of brown people on some island in the Pacific, who never came into contact with white people, and they never heard about Jesus, much less accepted him as their lord and savior, well, what the fuck happens to them when they die?

They just burn in hell for eternity, for a geographical error?

That’s fucked up.

And then I realized that God was either A.) an asshole or B.) not actually what we read in the bible. I mean Bible.

Christianity kind of fell apart for me after that.

But it was a good run. I’m jealous of religious people. I remember the warm, fuzzy feeling I’d get when I’d pray, cuz I thought some all-powerful superman in the sky was listening and would protect me and gave a shit about me. Because that feeling is important for a kid, and I didn’t get much of it from my actual gods, the people who actually gave me life, who turned me from slime into a human being, my parents.

Fucking assholes.

Man vs. Nature

2011-02-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Wolves usually travel in packs of 6 or 7, but in rural Russia a pack of 400 has been spotted. They have killed dozens of horses, and have elicited the local authorities to post bounties and form hunting teams to combat what some might call a "Beast War."

I'm of the opinion that as humans place greater and greater strain on the surrounding environment, the environment will eventually adapt to fight back. And it won't be pretty. And it looks like the war has begun.

Gonorrhea Bacteria Infected with Human DNA

2011-02-15T12:07:00.001-08:00

In a stunning twist of fate, scientists have discoverd that the gonorrhea bacteria is actually infected with a piece of human DNA. This might explain why the bacteria is exclusive to humans, as well as why it's so good at finding me at parties.

And so it seems, gonorrhea was just hanging out, not infecting anyones genitals, until we came along and inserted our filthy genetic code. From that day forth, gonorrhea waged war on our bathing suit areas, to the itchy, burning disappointment of dirty skanks everywhere.

Egypt Ousts Dictator, Installs Military

2011-02-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Egyptians got their wish today, and Mubarak has stepped down. In his place he has left the military to govern the country. I suppose this outcome was unavoidable, but I'm hard pressed to push the "Success!" button yet. Mainly, I'm reminded of this quote by ultra-genius H.L. Mencken:

Off goes the head of the king, and tyranny gives way to freedom. The change seems abysmal. Then, bit by bit, the face of freedom hardens, and by and by it is the old face of tyranny. Then another cycle, and another. But under the play of all these opposites there is something fundamental and permanent — the basic delusion that men may be governed and yet be free.

The Egyptians are playing their part in the never ending cycle, and I hope it works out for them. Their military seems sympathetic to the cause, so perhaps some real solidarity could take hold, and a freer government erected. Only time will tell.

How the people of Egypt execute their revolution will ripple through their society for decades, if not centuries. I wish them the best of luck. They're going to need it.

Kids Fat and/or Dumb? Make them Exercise

2011-02-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

Being fat and lazy isn't just bad for your health, it's bad for your brain.

MRIs showed those who exercised experienced increased brain activity in the prefrontal cortex — an area associated with complex thinking, decision making and correct social behavior – and decreased activity in an area of the brain that sits behind it. The shift forward appears consistent with more rapidly developing cognitive skills, Davis said.

And the more they exercised, the better the result. Intelligence scores increased an average 3.8 points in those exercising 40 minutes per day after school for three months with a smaller benefit in those exercising 20 minutes daily...

Similar improvements were seen in math skills; interestingly, no improvements were found in reading skill. Researchers note that improved math achievement was “remarkable” since no math lessons were given and suggests longer intervention could produce even better results.

Children in the exercise program played hard, with running games, hula hoops and jump ropes, raising their heart rates to 79 percent of maximum, which is considered vigorous.

We now have rock hard science showing that physical activity makes children smarter AND healthier, yet our schools insist on teaching them how to sit still for hours at a time.

How did we get so stupid?

Oh yeah...

Let Freedom Ring From Space

2011-02-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

The internet situation in Egypt has shown how easily a government can shut off the internet to its people, and has made us consider how dangerous such action could be.

A charity organization has come up with an ingenious plan to prevent this scenario from happening again. They intend to buy a satellite and use it to guarantee internet access to billions of people.

Kosta Grammatis wants to buy a TerreStar-1 communications satellite from TerreStar, which filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2010.

The effort is called Buy This Satellite and it has 3 phases: In phase 1, the group wants to raise US $150,000 in order to finalize a business plan, get legally organized to submit a bid for the satellite, and hire engineers. In phase 2, the group will, among other things, submit an official bid for the satellite, develop an open source modem and acquire an orbital slot. In phase 3, the group will move the satellite to a new orbit over partner countries and roll out service.

The plan would eliminate the fear that a government could deny internet access to its people by controlling the landlines.

I love the concept of orbital open-source internet. And even if this plan doesn't work, the fact that these ideas are floating around gives me a lot of hope for the future of mankind.

This will, of course, give congressmen and professional athletes more opportunities to send nude pictures of themselves to internet floozies, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Get Sleep...or DIE FROM ASS CANCER.

2011-02-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

Get a good night's sleep, or die a horrible death.

In a ground-breaking new study published in the Feb. 15, 2011 issue of the journal Cancer, researchers from University Hospitals (UH) Case Medical Center and Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, found that individuals who averaged less than six hours of sleep at night had an almost 50 percent increase in the risk of colorectal adenomas compared with individuals sleeping at least seven hours per night. Adenomas are a precursor to cancer tumors, and left untreated, they can turn malignant.

The next time someone bitches at me for being late to work, I'll just say "WHY DO YOU HATE MY COLON!?!?"

That should shut them up.

US in Iraq: Keeping Watch On Our Oil Through 2012

2011-02-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

Like an annoying house guest, the US is hinting that it will stay in Iraq longer than previously predicted.

...in the face of ongoing instability on the ground, officials offered one of the first hints that the American military could stay in Iraq beyond this year. US troops must pull out of Iraq by Dec. 31, 2011 under the current security agreement.

If you are shocked by this, then I have a handful of magic beans you might be interested in.

Egyptian Protests

2011-02-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

High-larious.

We'll see though. This could produce a democratic revolution, or anarchy. Depends on who rises from the ashes. And that's assuming the current government doesn't successfully clamp down.

Waiting and seeing...

Why do I want to see Country Strong?

2011-01-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

First off, this movie looks bad. It's Gwyneth Paltrow as a country music super-star, which I know sounds awesome, but in fact is pretty terrible. It looks like Entourage ate Walk the Line, and shat out Country Strong.

And yet...

And yet I am still mystically and inexplicably drawn to this movie. Is it the catchy title? Is it the unbearable poppy sound of modern country?

I cannot begin to explain why this movie beckons me. Is it just that I see a movie ripe for ripping? The title IS catchy, and makes a great punchline. Perhaps I want it to be so bad it's good. I do not know.

It could be the result of marketing brilliance that I want to see this movie. Perhaps marketing has gotten so good that even a cinema-phile like myself could be drawn towards this steaming pile of hack. Or perhaps the fact that this movie is the end result of our culture's self destruction. That this film is a complete fabrication, built from played-out ideas from every hacky story ever told, perhaps it is a true distillation of our culture's degradation. Perhaps that is why I feel compelled to see it.

For me, this movie will probably end up being a bored Saturday afternoon Netflix streamer. Because, despite the wall of reasons not to see this movie, I feel obligated to give it my time, in some form or fashion.

*Sigh*

Pre-therapy

2011-01-04T15:26:00.001-08:00

Thought I'd dash off some thoughts before I go to group.

First, I'm spinning my wheels. No, take that back, spinning wheels requires motions. I'm sitting in the car and pretending it's moving.

Wheeeeeee.

I wanna be a rockstar. WTF is up with that. Ask me what I want to do with my life. My answer? Rockstar.

Do you have a band? No.

Have you written many songs? A couple.

Are you actively pursuing your ridiculous dream? Ah, no.

That's it for now. Play time is about to start. Keep trucking you miserable bastards.

Group Therapy: Week 3

2010-11-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

I disappointed myself in group today. In fact, it encapsulated my entire being, and the reason why I'm in therapy to begin with.

In my group therapy, the therapist sits in the corner and says very little, while the group members lead the discussion. Since many of us suffer from a discomfort in leading conversation, it can border on awkward silences. But I always have something to say, some response or some nugget about my week. I just never say it.

Ok, not NEVER, but almost never. I say what I'm thinking maybe 5% of the time. Maybe less.

Well, today what was on my mind was my pot smoking. I had stopped for several months, and was loving the way I was feeling, but I got back on the train and, again, disappointed myself. I felt immensely uncomfortable bringing this up because I know that if I am serious about getting better, then I certainly need to quit or curtail this substance use.

I thought it might be better to just sit quietly this week, skate through, and deal with whatever next week. Which was silly, since I'll just have the same thing next week, except it'll be harder to talk about due to my late timing.

Ugh. I'm very frustrated right now. It's so hard to talk about the things in my head, but sometimes it's even harder NOT to talk about them. I will do better. I wish I had someone to talk to right now.

On a more positive note, I have resolved to talk to my parents about being in therapy. Thus far, they do not know I am getting help. I will be seeing them in a week for Thanksgiving, and I'm going to give thanks by telling them how they screwed me up. Should be fun.

Now I'm gonna go for a night run to burn off this frustration. ARGH, stupid therapy, making me face my demons...

Don't do anything unless it's serious and important

2010-11-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

This is one of the many wonderful lessons I learned from my parents. That I should only do things that they deemed important and serious, and anything other than that was a waste of time.

Of course they never voiced this opinion explicitly, but it was clear to me through their various actions and attitudes. Aaron, my brother, and I would want to go to the movies on a Friday night. But my parents had no interest in driving us there. Thus we were left to procure our own rides, as Aaron had a knack for doing, or were doomed to sit at home all night, watching TV, or reading a book.

Later on, once I had my driver's license and a car, I found out that my neighbor, who had the same car as I, was selling his car and his 18-inch hot-looking wheels. Like most highschool boys my age, I was enamored with all things automotive, and had decided to buy these wheels for my own car, for the price of $800. This money that I had earned at summer jobs and saving birthday money, I wanted to put into my car to improve its aesthetic appeal. My parents, not surprisingly, were disdainful of this idea. It was a waste of money, you should save that money, etc. And, as usual, I listened to them.

Now, they may have been right--maybe it was a waste of money, just to buy some neat looking wheels for my car, that I should save the money for something else. But dammit, I wanted those wheels. I lusted after them. I looked through car magazines, imagining my car with these new wheels.

But I never got them.

I don't own the car anymore, I sold it years ago. And I still regret not getting those wheels. Those stupid, worthless, waste of money wheels.

And so my parents taught me a lesson. Don't spend your money on fun, silly things. Don't spend your Friday's at the movies socializing.

Don't do anything unless it's serious and important.

And it's a lesson that I'm still trying to forget.

Hotel Room

2010-10-30T15:50:00.001-07:00

It's the outer banks!

Or just on the beach?

Under the sea?

A desert?

But where am I?

Just an ordinary hotel room.

This is a hotel room

Raw Veggie Lunch

2010-10-04T09:42:00.001-07:00

I love, love, love raw vegetables. I just ate a lunch consisting of raw broccoli and baby carrots, and it was wonderful. Crunchy, fresh, and delicious. I didn’t even use any ranch dip. I was happy to combat yesterday’s feast of greasy bar food with a crisp, clean lunch of raw vegetables.

The best thing about a raw veggie lunch is that afterwards, there is no post-lunch crash. Usually after lunch, I want nothing more than to curl up in a dark corner and take a nap. But after a raw veggie lunch, I have the energy of 10 men! Enough to write this post, that’s for sure.

Further, many raw veggies are a great source of fiber. Fiber is missing from the diets of so many Americans, myself included. This stuff is necessary to keep your digestive system working properly, and I am happy to oblige.

Most importantly of all, though, is that our bodies like raw vegetables. We evolved from raw food eating primates, who’s digestive systems are tuned to the kinds of nutrition drawn from raw fruits and vegetables. Thus depriving ourselves of this natural fuel source is like putting kerosene in a gasoline engine. Sure, it might move the engine, but you’ll run far from peak efficiency.

Ah, I feel great. I need to do this more often, but too often I fall victim to the siren’s song of greasy, delicious meats, in the form of some of my lunch time favorites: Japan Express, Chipotle burritos, Bojangle’s chicken, and the ever delicious Cheeseburger. But these always, without fail, leave me feeling like I’d just been struck by a tranquilizer dart, forcing me to pour yet more coffee down my gullet.

But today, and perhaps tomorrow as well, I have resisted the foods I love to taste for the foods I need to eat.

:)

The Tortoise and the Hare

2010-10-01T12:32:00.001-07:00

There is a story, told by our elders, about a hare, which is basically a rabbit, and a tortoise, which is a fancy word for turtle. One day, this douchebag rabbit, also known as a hare, started poking fun at this turtle, which many called a tortoise.

"Tortoise," said the hare, wanting to sound fancy, "You are unbearably slow. I have seen stoned heroin junkies move with more rapidity than you."

The hare hopped around in circles, delighted with his own cutting wit, and to show off how much faster he was.

The tortoise looked up from a bit of clover he was munching on, swallowed his mouthful, and opened his mouth to speak.

"Hare," began the slow talking tortoise, "I would not be so quick to insult, if I were you. I have seen better focus in a New York City crackhead."

"I say sir!" said the hare, again putting on airs, "I take exception to that remark!"

The tortoise shrugged, and went back to clover munching.

The hare continued, "This sleight upon my honor shall not stand. I challenge you to a race--to the death!"

"That isn't a thing," replied the the tortoise, his mouth full of clover.

"I beg your pardon?" said the hare, "did your mother never teach you to never speak with your mouth full?"

The tortoise swallowed his bite and repeated, "That isn't a thing."

"What's not a thing?" asked the hare.

"A race to the death," replied the tortoise, "is not a thing."

"And what would you know about races?" inquired the hare.

"Enough to know that a race to the death is nothing more than a figment of your fur-addled imagination."

"That shows how little you know," said the rabbit, who was also considered a hare, "indeed, we are all in a race to the death, whether we want to be or not."

The tortoise pondered this statement before replying, "So in this race, which I take is a metaphor for life, who is the winner?"

"Why, the being who dies first, of course."

Again, the tortoise pondered the hare's meaning, and replied, "Who would want to win that?"

"Who said anyone wanted to win?" said the hare, who was still hopping and pirouetting around the tortoise.

"Is that not the point of a race?" said the tortoise as he watched the hare do his dance.

"Again, you show how little you know," said the hare. "The point of a race, my hard-shelled friend, is to be the last loser."

"Which I take to mean the same thing as the first winner."

"Have you clover in your ears?" inquired the hare, "or are you as dull as you are slow?"

With that, the turtle, also known as a tortoise, reached in his shell, pulled out a revolver, and shot the hare, which was another name for a rabbit.

"Congratulations," said the tortoise, as he stood over the hare's bloodied corpse, "you win."

The End.

Soccer Dreams

2010-09-25T08:18:00.001-07:00

I don't know how much stock you put in dreams. The best explanation for dreams that I ever heard is that they show you what you need to see, to prepare you for the day ahead. This explanation has stuck with me for several years now, because for me, it makes a lot of sense. So, knowing that, I have to wonder what my dreams are preparing me for.

In the past week, I have had two dreams involving me playing soccer. In the first dream which I had roughly 6 days ago, I was at my parents house, playing a pickup game with John Locke from the tv show Lost, and some non-celebrities that I can't remember right now. I was playing center forward. The 'goal' was my old swing-set, which is roughly in the shape of a goal.

Someon on my team took a shot on the goal (it may even have been me) but it was blocked and kicked out near me. I stretched to stop the ball, but was only able to deflect it to my left mid, John Locke. He passed it back to me, and as the ball rolled towards me, instead of preparing for a strong right leg shot, I dinked it with my left foot. It either missed or was deflected again, this time to my left forward teammate. The left winger then passed the ball back to me, and again I used my left leg to dink another weak shot, which again was deflected back to the left striker. He passes it to me yet again, and I take another left-footed shot, but this one rolls in the goal. Win. And I wake up.

My second soccer dream I had this morning. I conflated soccer and NFL football, so that I was on the Pittsburgh Steelers and we were playing division rivals, the Baltimore Ravens. It appeared that we were playing 4 vs 4 teams, but I only noticed this aftwards. Anyways, it was nearing the end of the game, and we were down 3-2 when I entered the game. I was playing with a lot of enthusiasm, and I drove the ball up the field near the Ravens goal. I went to take a shot (this time a real one, with my right leg) but just as I am about to make contact with the ball, my foot digs into the ground. I don't think I even touch the ball.

So we keep playing, our team playing aggressively and keeping the ball near the Ravens goal. The ball goes in the air in front of the goalie box, and one of the Ravens players hits it with his hands. He's embarassed, but I get a free kick from the middle right of the top of the box. This is my shot to tie it up, all I have to do is hit a good shot. I run up to the ball to take my shot, but again as I am kicking my right foot digs into the ground just short of the ball. This time I tap the ball, but it's a horrible shot, and they defend it easily. They clear it and take it down to our side of the field.

Our defenders prevent them from scoring and clear it in the air, towards me. I head it down perfectly to a team mate to my right, who I hit in stride. My Ravens opponent even comments that it was a nice play. We drive it back towards the goal, where we try to score. From the left side of the field I kick the ball (I assume with my left foot) into the middle of the box, where there's a group of players from both teams. Someone knocks the ball into the goal, with what appeared to be a hand. The refs don't call a hand-ball. I wake up, thinking that if there was no call, we just scored to tie it up. But I don't feel great about it, since I'm pretty sure I saw a hand knock it in.

So what do these dreams mean?

The first one, I think is telling me to use my right foot to shoot, i.e. use my strong leg, or my natural strengths in general. Maybe. I did score with my left, but it would have been better and quicker with my right.

The second dream, I tried to use my right foot, but it kept getting stuck in the turf. Maybe I was trying to hard, with not enough finesse. Or maybe both the dreams are really telling me to use my left foot, or my weaker attributes in life. Then there's the end of the dream, where we scored on a sketchy play. Is that telling me that I can score even if it isn't perfect? Or that I should be wary of cheaters on my 'team?' Or is it just telling me that I have to get better with my right leg, my strengths, so that I can score the first time I try?

Who knows.

I'm not sure what they mean. I don't know if it even makes any sense trying to interpret dreams. Perhaps they are just there to slightly modify my consciousness, to cast a subconscious spotlight on...something. Like an artistic photograph without a caption, perhaps dreams should just stand as they are, casting their holistic impression. Sometimes I think interpreting dreams can even rob them of their power. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

Hell, maybe the dreams are just there to make me ask questions and write an essay.

Activate Self

2010-09-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my first therapy session in two years. It was nice. I really like my doctor.

The take away message was that a lot of the things I blame myself for are not necessarily my fault. My parents subtly and unconsciously guided my behavior to be exactly what it is today. This is hard for me to type, because it sounds so strange to externalize my own problems. But in many ways, it's true.

For example, my parents made it very clear to me as I was growing up that I needed to achieve. I needed good grades. I needed to behave appropriately at school and elsewhere. Anything less was unacceptable.

And when I did fail to achieve my potential, my parents would cluck their tongues and say "What are we gonna do about that boy?" instead of actually helping me. They would find it made more sense, to them, to criticize rather than help me. At least that's my therapist's take, I'm not totally convinced. But it does make sense.

By sticking to my under-achieving ways, I am sticking to an old family dynamic wherein I am talented and gifted, but I kind of ramble along, doing things I don't really want to do, being unhappy and unfulfilled, and my parents looking at each other saying, "What are we gonna do with that boy?" while they refrain from looking at each other and saying, "What did we do to make him like this? What can we change about ourselves?"

He told me to watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, because it was one of his top 3 therapeutic movies, and illustrated a struggle similar to my own. Ted (Keanu Reeves) has a father who is the hard-nosed sheriff of the town. Ted is a goofball slacker. How can this rough and tough sheriff create such a goofball son? By subtly turning him into his (dad's) own worst fears about himself. So the dad is afraid of being a goofball, and then when he sees something in his own son, he begins to treat him as the goofball. Then, at the end Ted realizes that he can and should start to make his own way in life. This makes him sad. He's saying goodbye to the old him, the old dynamic, the old comfort zone. He's sad to see it go; it's hard to say goodbye to the old relationship with his father.

He also explained to me economics, politics, and education in about 5 minutes. Economics is on the back of the dollar bill, he said, and what's on the back of a dollar bill? A pyramid. So it's all a pyramid scam, which confirms my suspicions.

As for politics, he says to be a politician you have to lie, because democracy on such a large scale as in America is completely unrealistic, and will never work. He says humans are most comfortable living in tribes, we did it for hundreds of thousands of years. The hierarchies we create are great for bees and termites, but not as good for people. But since we live in a crazy culture, we continue to do the same thing, and expect a different result.

As for education, he says it works great. But not at what we might think. The real motives behind our education are to instill social hierarchies into our children. Even though we're all relatively the same level of intelligence, we can't all be millionaires. So we have to have a way to separate the kids so that a few will be rich, some will be middle, and some will be the garbage men. How do we do this? Solve for x. The kids who do it well will be on top, the kids who do it ok will be our white collar cubicle monkeys, and the kids who do it the worst will pick up our garbage.

Education also works well to keep kids out of the work force. There are only so many jobs to go around, and as our population grows, each person's slice of the pie shrinks, so that the more people we keep away from the pie, the more we get to have. Used to be, a 6th grade education was enough. Then a highschool diploma was mandatory. Now a college education is practically required, and soon a masters degree or higher will be necessary. The longer we keep our children as non-working consumers, the more money our companies can make. Also, since our schools teach our kids zero survival skills, these kids are forced by necessity to join the workforce immediately out of school, forcing them to take whatever crap job they can find. Which, of course, all ties back to economics and political hierarchy.

But anyhow, we got sidetracked for a minute, but it was fascinating to hear what he had to say about the issues I think about constantly.

I made an appointment to see him again next week. I hope to continue learning more. I want to talk more about my dad and stuff, and see where that goes. In the mean time, it's long past time to start looking for another job, or something. I just need to start with one thing. Because if I start thinking about more than one thing, I get overwhelmed and paralyzed.

One thing.

What do I want to do more than anything else in the world? Get a new job. So I'm going to do that first.

:)

So Goddamned Bored

2010-09-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am apparently attempting to be the first person to die of boredom. And it is exactly as fun as it sounds.

But instead of altering my life to make it more fun, I'd rather alter my brain to make my life seem more fun. That's what recreational drugs are good for. They make you satisfied with doing nothing all goddamned day. Doing drugs is easier than doing real things, like having a life and such. Hobbies. Friends. All that shit.

I can't smoke weed for a month. I signed up for the LSAT in October, so I'm cleaning the cobwebs out of my mind for a bit as I study this final month. The funny thing is, I don't even know if I want to go to law school. But I have to keep my options open, I suppose.

As I emerge from my weed-haze, I realized a couple things. First, and I already knew this, I have some kind of oral fixation, because I really want a cigarette. I don't know if I buy all that Freud crap, but his descriptions of oral fixation fit me and my family dynamics.

The Oral receptive personality is preoccupied with eating/drinking and reduces tension through oral activity such as eating, drinking, smoking, biting nails. They are generally passive, needy and sensitive to rejection. They will easily 'swallow' other people's ideas.

The Oral aggressive personality is hostile and verbally abusive to others, using mouth-based aggression.

I go back and forth between being receptive and aggressive. I'm mainly receptive, but sometimes I turn it outwards. Either way I hate it.

The second thing I realize is that I don't have much of an outside life. Outside of smoking pot and watching TV, I don't do a lot, and almost nothing I do is social (past hanging out with my girlfriend). This is normal for me, but when I smoke weed I forget what a lame life I lead.

Fucking shit.

* * *

Alright, I called my therapist to make an appointment. Are you happy, universe? I admit I am crazy, and unable to deal with my issues effectively.

Ugh. I hate that I need therapy. I know I am broken and need help, but still. It isn't fair. whine whine whine. Makes me sick. But here I am.

I guess I kind of have to. I see people all the time, and I'm like Goddamn they need therapy. It's retarded that they're NOT in therapy, it would help them so much.

And now it's me. I'm retarded for not being in therapy. I could feel so much better. Possibly I could stop hating myself, but we'll see.

In my last post I was talking about my dad and his take on me getting therapy, but the whole thing got lost. What happened was the last time I was at home, we got to drinkin-and-a-talkin. He said that because I am smart and see people for what they really are, that I would never be truly happy. I brought up the possibility of therapy, but he ridiculed the idea, likening it to living life in la-la land. As if therapy would make me happy only because I would stop paying attention to reality.

Hey, maybe he's right. Maybe people are only happy because they aren't realistic. Well, in that case, I don't want to be realistic. But I don't think that's the case. I think happy people simply think positively, about what the best outcome could be for a given situation. Myself, I automatically think about the worst possible out come of a given situation. It's just how I roll, apparently. Maybe if I can just be less doom and gloom all the time I could be happy without resorting to the psychic equivalent of a lobotomy, which I don't think is possible anyways.

Or, I guess self medicating for years could be seen as a kind of lobotomy. But it isn't good enough anymore. I think I can do better than just numbing the pain. I hope to god I can do better.

la la la di da

I know this post is disorganized and mostly unreadable. So be it. Stream of consciousness, bitches! I actually took a break midway to call my therapist. I got his machine, so he'll have to call me back before I actually make an appointment. I never told him I smoked weed, so that'll be a fun first session.

For the past few months I am constantly thinking of things that I should talk to him about. You only have an hour (less than an hour really) to talk, so you gotta make that time count. I have a $35 co-pay, so I gotta get my money's worth. Hopefully he fixes me, cuz $35 is way less than I would spend on weed or beer for a given week. Also I'd like some goddamn peace and tranquility for once in my fucking life.

Happiness and confidence would be nice too. Self-actualization, here I come?

Fuck My Life

2010-08-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a long introspective post on my iPhone, which then disappeared into the ether when I tried to post it. Thank you goddamn shitty ass barnes and noble AT&T wireless shit fuck.

Mother fuck my life.

Ah well, those emotions are lost to the ether. I'm glad I wrote it out. But i would have liked to have a motherfucking record of it. Piece of shit.

Oh well, my misery is a never ending well, so I'm sure I will revisit the topic of my self hatred soon.

Musings

2010-08-27T17:19:00.001-07:00

I just witnessed a little girl learn to ride her first bike. It was adorable.

I was taking my dog for a walk. He peed like a gallon.

I beat my girlfriend with a chopstick. She was askin for it.

I wanted to say,'I abuse my girlfriend with a choptstick,' but I didn't mean it like that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

Happy Friday, everybody.

- Posted using mothafuckin BlogPress from my iPhone, bitches

Location:At home

The Way Back Machine - Three Years Ago

2010-08-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

I just reread some of the things I wrote when I was breaking up with Nena.

God damn I was pathetic. Promise you’ll shoot me and remove my balls if I ever act like that again.

It’s no wonder she left me. I was a hollow husk of a man. Of course much of that was her doing. Stupid cunt.

And I don’t say that lightly.

She was a drag on my soul. I loved her, but she could never really love me. I learned this far too late in the game.

Luckily I learned a few things from dealing with her.

1. Women who act crazy ARE crazy.
2. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t respect you.
3. If a relationship makes you miserable, it is dysfunctional and should be fixed or ended ASAP.
4. Daddy issues are very real. Face them at your peril.
5. A relationship should make you happy.
6. Trust must be earned.

I learned a lot of other things too, but these were the easiest to write down. Many of the things I learned were just alterations in my social perceptions. I lost my innocence, if you will, and began to see the world of relationships without rose colored glasses. It’s quite funny, that is when it isn’t tragic.

I also came away from that relationship with (more) trust issues. It was very hard for me to trust women, which caused some friction with Katlyn, my current girlfriend. But she has been understanding and good to me, and has allowed me to heal. I’m getting better. But the stain Nena left on my heart will probably be there forever.

So it is, and so it shall be.

It's the end of the world

2010-08-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

And I know it. The Mayans had it right, 2012 is going to be the end of humanity. Fortunately, it will also be the beginning of a new era in human civilization. We'll bring light to dark and life to death.

W e w i l l s u r v i v e.

So whoopee. Too bad I'm grouchy as hell. I was happy when I figured it out but I fell back into a bit of a funk. Which is why I'm writing this again. I think I underutilized it before.

See me criticize myself?

Got in a fight with Katlyn last night WHOOPS. Phone, text message, bar regular, thanks for lunch. I got grumpy. She got loud. We got to fightin. It was ok though. I had to leave for a bit then come back, but once we'd had a chance too cool down we were fine. I love you. Kiss.

Anyhow, I get my car back tomorrow. Four hundred some odd dollars for repairs to the engine and such. Too much. Ah well, I hope it works. I wish I knew cars. I might sell my Nissan and get a Honda.

I should have gotten the Honda. What was I thinking? Stupid, thinking with my metaphorical penis.

Ok, Katlyn's passed out. I'm gonna play some Fallout 3 then hit the hay. Gotta lotta nothin to do tomorrow.

Couch Surfing

2010-08-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Featuring Me and Luda

Fight Fire With Fire

2010-08-05T13:24:00.001-07:00

I am the tortured artist at the center of my own shithole universe.

And I am angry.

I am the complaining child who's parents never hugged him enough.

And I am sad.

I am the good looking loser who can't get out of his own way.

And I am lonely.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and my sleeve in your face.

And I hate you all.

I could try to make you see your own stupidity.

I could try to make you pay.

I could leave you all alone.

And die in a gutter somewhere.

But I can't. Because I'm angry.

Because this rage inside is seething to get out.

Or in, when it has nowhere else to go.

These words are meaningless.

Swept up in the winds of time.

Spread thin across the land.

Until not even a worm could taste them.

And I am angry.

I pour myself into myself.

Because I was taught to shut up.

Don't complain.

Don't ask.

Don't want.

Because you won't get.

This lesson I drew from my childhood.

Breaks my heart.

That young spirit, that tiny flame,

Doused before it could burn anything.

You're welcome.

I'll be your good little boy.

I'll be your quiet little mouse.

I'll say thank you, and please.

I'll burn inside forever.

Hope is an illusion.

That I use to get through the day.

The end is far.

Too far.

Let me bring it closer.

Let me drown myself in booze.

Let me burn myself with weed.

Let me do what I should not do.

Just to get away.

Away.

Pass these words along.

May they save some other soul.

Because it's too late for me.

Adieu.

Brian Faini is a Wonderful Man

2009-07-23T09:31:00.001-07:00

He might be the nicest, hardest working, most talented person in LA. I love him. I will name my children after him (even the girls). He eats sunshine and farts flowers. There, you happy?

It's Puppy Time!

2009-06-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

Break it down, ya'll. The comma on this keyboard is half broken, but I keep on truckin'. What's the word in Morrisville town? I'm getting a puppy tomorrow, and I can't sleep a wink, it's just too damn exciting. He's a White German Shepherd pup, 8 weeks of age. He's soft and fluffy and likes to play.

I'm reading a book about raising a pup the right way, the first time. I hope to avoid some common mistakes, and make the puppy process as easy and fun as possible. I know it's still work, but that's unavoidable.

I still don't have a name yet, though there are many candidates: Cairo, Pyro, Apollo, Milo, Presto, Gizmo and Ace. Only time will tell.

I'm so freaking excited, I can't even sleep. It's 4 in the a.m. and I'm still awake, damn my nocturnal ways.

But I'm typing in a lyrical cadence, I love to make music with words. It's really not hard, I'm getting quite far, like Shakespeare, only it's modern.

;)

I Called That

2009-06-10T21:04:00.001-07:00

The Hangover and Land of the Lost both came out last Friday, and one of them lost big time. When I found out they were coming out the same weekend I said, "That's stupid, their going after the same market." Turn out I was right.

The Hangover won big (Tomatometer 95%), slurping up $45 million, thanks to a good script and a better cast, with Zach Galifinakis making a long Greek name for himself. 8.7/10

Sadly, Will Ferrel's Land of the Lost remake lands hard, $18.7 million, while it cost $100 million plus to make. I haven't seen it yet, but there's no way it can touch The Hangover. Come on guys, was this really the best weekend to release this movie? You're splitting the demographic, and losing.

On to ostensibly happier things. Up, Pixar's latest work, came out this weekend to a warm reception, taking in positive reviews (98% Tomatometer) and $44.1 million. After just watching the 3D version, I must agree with my friend who told me that the 3D effect was not worth it for the dim colours through polarized lenses.

Alas, I could have used some colours to brighten my mood, as this is Pixar's most somber movie yet. Of the kids I saw it with, the 2 year old did not pay attention long, but it mostly held the 4 year old's attention. However, he is a rather adept 4 year old, and we share Ironman as a favorite movie. He watched it, but I could tell he wasn't having all that much fun with it. And neither was I.

Up was an interesting film, funny in parts, sad in parts, sweet in parts... but it lacked that "special" feeling only great Pixar movies can translate. I suppose I'm a bit spoiled, but as much as I like and admire this movie, it doesn't bring much new to the table. It was a good movie, but definitely intended for an older crowd than previous Pixar films. I'll watch it again sans-kids and see if it plays a little better, but for now: 6.5/10

And for next week, I will probably see, I dunno, Moon, a small sci-fi suspense? Not much in the pipe this weekend. Why couldn't Land of the Lost wait for this Friday? Oh, and Pelham 123 is looking fairly week in early Tomatometer readings: 40%.

Year One, a movie smart enough not to directly challenge another screwball, dumb guy comedy. comes out the week after, and I can't wait. Michael Cera is one of the funniest guys alive.

Day Off

2009-05-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when you get to work and realize you don't have to be there? I mean, besides the annoyance of getting ready for work, it's pretty damn sweet. Well that happened to me today.

It's pretty wonderful to be off today, as I was just thinking I would love a real weekend. And now I've got it. What is a boy to do?

Last Night

2009-05-15T11:45:00.002-07:00

Last night sucked but it got better as it went on.

I worked at Duke all day, tired and sucking down coffee. At 5 I drove to Champps to wait tables. I was expecting to work with Katlyn that night, which was nice because I missed her.

Well we got in a fight because some people found another server to cover for her and took her to a Durham Bulls baseball game, and I got to work. So I was pretty pissed to start the night.

My first table was a party, a family of 12 (3 generations). I knew they were going to be a pain before I even walked up to the table. It took them several minutes to just sit down, and they told the hostess that it was the kid's birthday and they wanted the dessert with the song.

Speaking of The Birthday Song: If you ever go to a restaurant and it is yours or someone in your party's birthday, keep it to yourself goddammit. Besides being just a general pain in the ass, singing the birthday song is the most degrading part of serving. We already have to pretend we give a shit about you and your dinner, and now I have to pretend like I care if it's your birthday? Care so much I got you a sundae and my coworkers to sing you a retarded song? Not to mention the fucks who think it's just funny to get us to sing to their non-birthday friends? Or the motherfuckers who just want a free desert? FUCK YOU ALL.

Anyhow, back to last night. One lady (mom?) had a video camera and felt it necessary to video tape everyone individually before she would sit the fuck down. So I go to get drink orders, and the first lady I ask want's an unsweetened tea, with oranges and cherries in it, and some strawberries if we've got them. And her husband wants one too. And I'm thinking if you want a fucking fruit salad then just ask for one and quit trying to get free fruit. But the great server that I am I say "of course." This woman would continue to bug the shit out of me trying to get stuff for her husband. Poor guy. Perfect mommy complex though.

Going down the line. Another guy orders a Blue Moon. With 2 oranges. OK I'm becoming enraged now, but keeping my outward cool. What's that? Where's the spicy stuff? You're from Arizona and are used to spicy food? Well tough shit my friend, this is North Carolina and you'll get what we've got.

Then while I was passing out the drinks, a lady asks me for some crackers. Look bitch, if you're hungry, order an appetizer and quit trying to get free crackers.

Only one person in the whole damn party was halfway decent. Probably an ex-server, you can usually tell, as she said nicely "Oh, can I get a Diet Coke, just whenever you get a minute." I of course got it for her within 10 seconds.

ProTip: if you want great service at a restaurant, BE NICE TO YOUR SERVER. They are busy and tired of catering to idiots, so if you are really polite with them they will appreciate it immensely. A person who is a dick to their server for no reason is the lowest form of human.
Anyhow, this table is pissing me off, but I'm already visualizing the auto-18% on their bill, as a few others got mixed drinks as well.

Continuously, the whole time they were there, this table was needy as fuck. They were sitting near the food window, so every time food came up this one asshole who was drinking frozen strawberry margaritas (gay as hell, right?) kept giving me this look like "Hey peon, why aren't you getting my food?" THAT'S NOT YOUR FOOD YOU STUPID FUCK, I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB. But I continued to give these jerks the best service possible, and ran their complicated, spec'd out food to them as soon as it came up.

And then, as I'm handing out plates of food, I hear strawberry margarita talking about "Temple." Fuck, Jewish? You guys are not helping your image as a race.

Previous to last night, I never had an opinion on the Jews. I work with one (non-religious) at Duke, and she's alright, just normal female daddy issues bitch crazy. But these people, Christ. Annoying as all hell, you better believe I remembered to add that gratuity. These people were almost as bad as black folk. And now I don't like Jewish people, thanks to that family of idiots.

Luckily the night improved as it went on. The only way it could have gotten worse is if I had a party of black teenage girls. These I have found to be the worst. Black females in general are bad, especially the fat ones, but the younger ones try hitting on me, which wastes loads of my time and patience. But this didn't happen, so my night improved steadily.

The Hurricanes won Game 7 against the Bruins in overtime. What a game. I could have left work an hour before I did, but I was too busy watching the game to clean the side station.

I wrote a lot more than I set out to, but I really had to get that off my chest. Be nice to your server, tip well if they did a good job, don't ask for a bunch of free shit. Do that and no one will stick their dick in your drink.

Friday News Roundup

2009-05-15T11:45:00.001-07:00

It's another Friday, which means I feel compelled to spout some BS into the great abyss we call the Internets.

I'll probably do a few more today, but this post is just random bullshit.

I bought Peggle again, this time for the iPhone. I looked for it in the AppStore a few weeks ago and couldn't believe it wasn't there; apparently it just came out a few days ago.

If you've never played Peggle, well, I'm sorry. It's digital crack in the form of simulated balls you shoot to hit pegs. Super simple, super fun, super addicting. And now on my phone.

Carolla had a funny podcast today. He was interviewing a congressman and his wife from Ohio. The wife had mental health issues, one kid was in rehab, one killed small animals, the congressman had a couple weeks in France where he went gay, then came back for gay counseling, he and his wife had never consumated their marraige due to her vaginal problem (too tight to get a penis in, kid was from artificial insemination).

It turns out the whole thing was a parody, but damn if it wasn't a believeable at first. I mean, would he really be the first fucked up repressed gay elected official who railed against gays, and was all about the traditional family even though his was totally fucked?

Anyhow, check out the Adam Carolla podcast, I can't wait to see Star Trek in IMAX on Monday. That movie was effing sweet.

Direction

2009-05-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

You know how some people feel like their lives lack direction? Well that's not me. I know which direction I want to go (I think) but I simply lack the motivation to move in that direction. Which is probably because I smoke too much mary jane, but that's my burden.

I want to go to law school. This much I am certain of. Ninety percent certain of. I'm one hundred percent sure I want to stop working in brain imaging, that shit is played out. I'm ninety-five percent certain I want to find a job working in a law office. And I'm one hundred percent sure I love writing, so I want to incorporate that in whatever I do.

I enjoy law. I like the concept and practice of it in this country. It is a great arena for ideas to compete, for debate, argument, which I love. Also, it is essential to understand the game if I am to have any chance at changing it, which I am committed to doing. This country is being hurt by an oversized government, but don't get me started on that.

I am also supremely interested in journalism. I feel like people forget the power of journalism, and how it affects government and legislation. Journalists control the megaphone through which information is passed to the general public, and the framing new information in a certain way has a huge effect on how the public reacts.

So yeah, I've got direction. I just need gasoline.